Whether its your Mom, your Dad, your sister, or your weird uncle Joe someone will ask you at least one of the following questions. Every college kid in America loves the idea of going home for the holidays. I mean who can blame us? Home cooked food, no exams to cram for, there is someone to do our laundry, and we get to see our pets. But, once we get home we realize we forgot one thing and we are not prepared for it. Question after question rains from the sky the moment we walk in the door, so in an attempt to mentally prepare ourselves for the question Armageddon I have prepared a list of the most dreaded and common questions you will receive, while you are home.
Find a girl/boyfriend yet?
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Well, why not start with my least favorite question. I get asked this question EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I'm home and it drives me insane! Listen Dad I know I don't have a girlfriend, no need to rub it in! Oh, my sister has a boyfriend and she's only been a college for a month. Well WHOPPTY FREAKING DO. Trust me if I could find a girl crazy enough to date me you would know!!! I feel like they ask this question to lay the groundwork for the crappy questions to come. Next time I have a relative ask me that question I will either do one of two things. I will break out dancing to Single Ladies in an epic display of dance or, equally as likely, I will break down and cry. Fingers crossed for Single Ladies.
Do you have any friends?
"No mom, I just sit inside my room and eat saltines all day." This is one of the most back handed questions you'll receive. It's like they are practically calling you an antisocial loser... and even if they're right the assumption still hurts. Like, honestly the fact that they have to ask if you have friends is just low. Now be prepared because when you say "Yes, crazy Aunt Steve. I have friends" the questions will come pouring in. They will want to know everything about this "friend" including their height, weight, social security card number, and favorite 80's cover band. It's like they're grilling you to see if your friend is actually real.
Are you eating enough?
Nope, actually once I left home a funny thing happened. I lost all ability to consume food. In fact its gotten so bad that I have forgotten which side of the fork I am supposed to hold. I don't think our family understands that while at college we care about three things and three things only. Those things are Sleep, Netflix, and Food! My first month of freshmen year I literally made my schedule so that I could attend every club meeting that offered free food. Maybe I'm just an abnormally hungry guy, but worrying if I am eating enough should be at the very bottom of their list of questions.
What are you studying again?
This one is just annoying, it’s almost like a constant repeated poke to your brain every time you hear it. No matter how many times you answer this question there will be one person who either didn’t hear you or has forgotten your answer. I caution you to resist the urge to scream out your answer to this question at the top of your lungs. I know from personal experience that it doesn’t look great when you’re shouting “I’M MAJORING IN POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR THE LAST TIME GRANDMA!!!!” across the table. Apparently it makes things awkward.
How are your grades?
Now this one can either be great or super bad. My advice to you is to slip in the answer to this question casually while you are in a large group of people. This way when your dad finds out you failed you’re religion class he will be less likely to explode because there are possible witnesses present. Remember for this one the key is safety in numbers. Now if you’re caught alone and out in the open by someone who ask you this question…… run. On the other hand if you did well milk it and hopefully reap the benefits of being the “smart” one in the family.
Are your classes hard?
Why, no mom they are quite easy. Remember when I called you crying about how I was failure during finals week after I had stayed up for 48 hours straight and hadn’t eaten in four days. Yeah, that was all fake. My classes are a piece of cake. If the cake was on fire and I was on fire and the room was on fire and we were in hell. It’s like parents suffer from a sudden onset of amnesia whenever you go home. They forget every conversation you have ever had with them about class.
What do you think about the election?
This is a super special question for so many reasons. This question is only applicable every four years, combines elements of politics that are highly contentious and divisive, and is always asked in a room full of people. The correct answer to this question is no answer because no matter who you are there will always be someone in your family that has a different view on politics than you. If you would like to see your family engaged in a small civil war then answer the question. Seriously, do not answer this question. EVER. FOR ANY REASON. NEVER.
Now if reading this list doesn’t give you anxiety you may just be ready to go home or you're insane. But on a more serious note, your relatives love you and they aren’t asking you these questions to annoy you. They are asking because they care about you and miss you. When you go home this holiday season take time to answer all of these questions and the hundreds more you will receive. It means a lot to your family and they only ask because they want the best for you. But still prepare yourself. Questions are coming.
Have a wonderful holiday season everyone!
