It's open house weekend, and UNG is luring in freshmen with its small-tow and homey feel, its beautiful scenery and its empty promises that your years at UNG will be the best four years of your life. While these things are completely valid, bitter old ladies like myself wish we'd known a few other things as incoming freshmen.

1. "Fifteen to Finish" is a myth.

And registration here is a nightmare. In my five and a half semesters at UNG, I've heard "the Hunger Games" used to describe registration approximately 6,000 times, and I can't think of a more apt description.

2. Your freshman year is actually the best.

It doesn't seem like it would be, just because going into it is so rough. But when you look back, you realize your freshman year is also the most fun, once you get settled in. You aren't burned out yet, and you have new, exciting things to try. Not to mention, the hardest days were the days in which your character developed the most.

3. Don't skip the "How to Get Engaged" session at freshman orientation.

Thought getting married in college was a Baby Boomer thing? Think again! If you aren't in a serious, adult relationship by your twentieth birthday, just accept you'll be the only single person left in your friend group, and every nice guy you meet is probably already unavailable.

4. Don't even think about making a joke at the expense of the Corps traditions.

Don't ever suggest cutting across the drill field would be convenient. Don't remark that retreat is the longest minute of your life when it's too hot or too cold. That shows disrespect for God, the military, the veterans, the Republican Party and most importantly, the United States of America, you freaking snowflake. Oh, but liberals are the ones who need to stop getting offended by everything, am I right?

5. Whatever it is you want, it's not a thing here.

Football? It's not a thing here. A thriving journalism program? It's not a thing here. An active social life on weekends? It's not a thing here. Target? It's not a thing here. Decent wi-fi connection? It's not a thing here. The classes you need to graduate? It's not a thing here. (What, you mean you don't want to just take them in Gainesville?)

6. It's really not all bad.

I realize I've been brutally honest, but I have to talk about the good things in order to be fair. The professors here are all nice and helpful, the school is full of good people, and Dahlonega has lots of nice spots to hike.

7. But remember, no one's making you come here.

UNG has its perks, but you could always live your life regret-free and go to UGA instead. Or just don't go to college at all if you don't want to, I don't care, I'm not your mom.