My grandmother, who has admirably reached the ripe old age of ninety seven years old this past June, has never been a plain-thinking woman. She has said many things over the years, from before I was born up until this very day, that have been astounding, to say the least. Here are just seven of the thousands of bizarre things she has said.

1. "I don't know any gay people."

Statistically, at least one of her something-teen grandchildren, living and deceased, are gay. In fact, statistically, one of her five children should be gay. When we pointed out to her that her step-grandson is gay, she replied "he's not gay, he's just living the gay lifestyle."

2. Upon being informed that I was in treatment for clinical depression, she called me and said "You just need more Vitamin D."

If mental illness could be straight up cured by taking daily supplements from Walgreens, homelessness would be extinguished, healthcare costs would plummet, and the world would be infinitely more productive. I told her she should write a book.

3. "Jesus is the reason Patrick made it through the surgery."

In 2007 my dad, her second oldest son, had triple bypass heart surgery. Months before she had blessed him for surgery by rubbing some holy water on his crown. According to her, this is what kept my dad alive- not, I don't know, incredibly educated surgeons or anything like that. If you haven't guessed it, she's very religious. But in my book you can be whatever the hell you want when you're ninety seven years old and literally lived through the Great Depression.

4. "I can tell, from an image on TV, if a politician is a Christian or not."

You couldn't catch my grandmother, who spent her entire life in rural Indiana, dead with a vote for Barack Obama in her hand. But she said that he wasn't terrible because you can "see it in his eyes" that he's a Christian. I do have yet to hear her opinion on Donald Trump's religious stance.

5. "I eat a pound of pizza, and gain a pound and a half."

First of all, you are way too old to be eating a pound of pizza. Second of all, that is not how it works.

6. "A woman can't be President, it's a man's job."

Tell that to Hillary Rodham Clinton, Grandma.

7. "I don't have to signal which way I'm turning. I'm an old lady, they can watch out for me."

How she made it to ninety seven, I don't know.