What if every major life decision you've made has been wrong? What's your real purpose? Do you even have a purpose? Does anyone have purpose? Is there a God? Have you ever really thought about how big space is? Are we all just doomed to be prisoners to capitalist hell? Existential crises can be tough, but these great products can help you get through your Next Big Breakdown. Thanks, capitalism!
1. Fuzzy blanket
They're called comforters for a reason! There's nothing like burrowing into a big, fuzzy blanket instead of tending to your responsibilities. For an added bonus, get some chairs and build a blanket fort. Nobody can get in without a password--not even dread!
2. Waterproof mascara
Existential crises usually come in unannounced, leaving you no time to take off your makeup beforehand. Investing in a waterproof formula will ensure you can run to the store to get emergency Ben & Jerry's without looking like a crazed raccoon. Swipe on some eyeliner for an easy day to night transition!
3. Teddy Bear
Aww! This adorable little guy will listen to all your deepest fears without telling you to "get a grip," or "please just take the pizza and leave, ma'am." Plus, bears can't ignore your texts.
4. "The Hills," Season 1
"The Hills" heals all. The trivial problems of rich, white 20-somethings are a perfect distraction from your major anxieties. Regretting every choice you've ever made? Please. Lauren picked Jason over Paris.
5. Guard Rail
Perfect for keeping yourself from falling into the void.
6. Bath Bomb
Instead of wallowing in self-pity, try wallowing in a floral scented bath! They're super relaxing and soaking with a multicolored bath bomb will make you feel like a regal princess, not a scared millennial.
7. Amazon store card
Retail therapy! Nothing solves a crisis better than buying a bunch of random shit. In retrospect, this is a terrible idea, but you'll have time to regret it when your next existential crisis comes around!
Are we even real? What if life is just a simulation? What happens after we die? Shhhhh. Just put on "The Hills."
