If you’re from the Midwest, you know that visiting a lake house is the landlocked version of a day at the beach. Some of you visit the homes of your friends, and many of you shared a house with your extended family growing up. This article is for you lake-dwelling, moderately privileged bottom feeders who know that the best adrenaline can be found out on the waves, and that cracking open a cold one isn’t just for the boys – it’s for the whole family. Here are a few thoughts and scenarios I have found myself experiencing in my time living the #lakelyfe.
1. Swans are evil
I know what you’re thinking – “The fact that swans are the worst is common knowledge. Why must you reside in a cottage to know this?” Well dear naysayer, there is a difference between knowing and experiencing. If you have not had to fend off a swan with an oar then you are fake news.
2. That one uncle who is always determined to knock you off the tube.
You know the one - he ignores your pleads to stay in the wake and actively laughs at your rampant cut-the-engine hand motions.
3. Bonfire stories
When all your older relatives have gotten tipsy, they’re quick to treat you to stories about their annoying amount of success and mild amounts of racism.
4. Seaweed
You know the feeling. When something touches your foot and won’t let go no matter how hard you try to shake it off and you’re fairly certain you’re going to be dragged into the depths of Davy Jones’s locker.
5. “Do I really need water shoes?”
Yes. You do. The rocks will cut up your feet if you don’t. But do you wear them? No.
6. “Riding a jet ski won’t be that scary”
It’s like riding an out of control motorcycle across choppy seas. But alas, you’ve become too addicted to the adrenaline rush to stop now.
7. “Holy crow – that heron just ate a fish in front of me!”
And it was gross. Nature is beautiful.
8. Peeing exclusively in the lake
Once that bladder starts calling, you decide to 'take a swim' literally for the singular purpose of fulfilling your urethral needs.
9. Turtle hunting
Whether you take a whaler, a Seadoo, or a Speeder - once you go through the back channels and hidden lakes, you suddenly become Steve Irwin.
10. Fishermen getting way too close to your dock
Even if you yourself have done this, that doesn’t stop you from getting weirded out when someone chooses to sit silently in a small boat several feet away from where you're eating. Unless, of course, you know them, in which case you’ll engage in lively conversation.
11. Non-stop eating
There is just a steady stream of food entering your mouth at all times.
12. “Where should I dry my swimsuit?”
We all know the struggle of having no available space to hang a sopping suit, so you kind of leave it on the ground and hope for the best.
13. The Boating Test
If you followed the law like you were supposed to, the only way for you to drive an aquatic vessel prior to the age of 14 is if you spend a day at your lake’s headquarters being taught about all things lake. And then you take an extremely long test that asks you a bunch of questions that are not at all relevant to driving a boat.
14. The Lake Police
The fear of being pulled over by the lake police is terrifying to you, because where are you supposed to pull over?!?! Port or starboard?!
15. Cracking open a cold one with the boys
*with the fam
16. Mysterious scrapes and bruises
You don’t know why, but your elbows are skinned. Possibly from tubing, but you can’t be sure because you blacked out.
17. Shared rooms
We’re not talking your typical two-person sharing here. You and your family will literally break fire codes by shoving all of your cousins into a confined space and will then proceed to leave you with a VHS of “Milo and Otis.” Not that I’m bitter.
18. Reading
If you’re anything like my family and friends, about half of your time at the lake will be spent reading. And at least one of your aunts will be reading something with a beach on the cover and a title that refers to some kind of feeling blossoming in one of the seasons or adversity.
19. Sending the ball into the lake each time you play a sport in the yard
Be it basket, volley, or base – your ball will end up in the lake at some point during the game, if not every other play.
20. “Why would anyone get a pontoon?”
Maybe I’m biased due to my need for speed, but you pontoon owners are boring. You can sit and drink your Bloody Mary on the shoreline. Get a faster boat.
21. Up in the Grill
The grill is on at literally all times. There is just a constant stream of chicken, burgers, brats, kebabs, veggies, and steaks throwing down.
22. Lake Hair
The phenomenon of lake hair is something we all hope to avoid, but secretly love. There’s something immensely freeing about dunking your hair in disgusting water, sloshing it around, and then not washing it for three days.
23. WiFi
Or rather, lack thereof.
24. Meeting the new significant others
Every summer you meet the new guy your cousin is dating. And you bond with them over a heated game of euchre, only to never see them again.
25. Finding a movie everyone will enjoy
It’s a process. Rom-coms that are actually funny and well-scripted action adventures are a good go to. Most recently, we rocked a back-to-back showing of “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, “Mission: Impossible”, and "The Godfather."
26. Laying out on a floaty
You want to lie out on the water, but then it gets too cold, so you just pretend you’re floating but you’re actually on the grass.
27. BEWARE THE SHALLOWS
If your lake is anything but a giant divot, then you are familiar with the constant fear of being beached. You check the depth gage with a tick in your eye; all the while feeling certain that you will probably kill some unsuspecting child.
28. Lake paraphernalia
We all have that one sweatshirt that says the name of your lake in big letters as if everyone there had no clue where they were.
29. Spotter
Whether you’re bobbing through the channels or high-intensity wakeboarding, you have to have a spotter to ensure that you don’t run over a canoe or a paddleboard.
30. That one person with fancy tubing skills
We all have that one cousin or neighbor who is weirdly into tricks that will undoubtedly get them killed some day.
31. Lawn maintenance
Since you really only come to the lake during the summer, you kind of have to do a year’s worth of upkeep in one weekend.
32. Token Boy Scout
There is someone at your lake that prides himself on this. I guarantee it.
33. Boating playlist
You either listen to the Beach Boys, MJ, the Eurythmics, The Beatles, or Spanish Radio. No in between. Well, maybe a little top 20.
34. Bird watching
Maybe one person is actually well-versed on ornithology, but the rest of you just kind of “Hmm” a lot and talk about how if they have brighter-colored feathers they’re probably in heat or something.
35. Stormcatchers
You pride yourself on your ability to get everything covered and stowed away all within the minute before a mini hurricane hits.
36. “I wish I had a golf cart.”
You don’t have one, and it would be completely pointless, but you want one more than anything else in the world.
37. Adventures in biking
These adventures usually involve you getting lost and your butt quaking.
38. The constant fear of losing your sunglasses
You’re always certain that this will be the time your sunglasses fly off. And then you just lose them in some really uneventful way.
39. Sore arms
Whether its from ‘yakking too hard or making too many rounds on the skis, your arms will feel like you’ve just done bicep curls for five straight hours.
40. Card games
In my family, it’s all about Bridge. But Euchre, Gin Rummy, Egyptian Rat Slap, Poker, BS, Kemps, Spoons, Speed, and Solitaire all make frequent appearances.
41. “Who can kick water the furthest?”
You all do it. You sit on the dock and kick for dear life for no apparent reason other than the throes of competition.
42. Baked beans
You eat baked beans with every meal. Even if you don’t like them, they will magically appear on your plate.
43. “How big is the biggest fish in this lake?”
Probably not that big.
44. “Will that fish touch my foot?”
Almost definitely.
45. Adirondack chairs
May you know them, may you love them, may you read in them.
46. Avoiding electrocution
You heard about that one girl who got electrocuted while in a lake? Well, now we’re all on high alert — thanks a lot, world.
47. Constant application of sunscreen
I’m sure not all of your fathers are oncologists, but mine forces me to rub the stuff on my ears every half hour.
48. Towel turned blanket
We all know the undeniable chill that comes with wearing next to nothing while high-powered winds are smacking you in the face. And wearing clothes over your suit is dumb, so you just turn into a papoose with your brightly colored de-dampener.
49. Sound carries over water
You say a lot of weird things really loudly at your lake. And then you immediately regret it.
50. The veggie tray
You don’t want it, but it’s there, so you eat it.
51. Swimsuits 24/7
You put your suit on the minute you arrive, even if you don’t swim at all the entire weekend.
52. “Let’s take a walk and get some fresh air.”
We all say it, even though it doesn’t make any semblance of sense because you literally have been outdoors for multiple straight days.
53. Sharing with the neighbors
Be it bungee chord or merlot, your neighbors are your friends, and you regularly show up unannounced in their yard.
54. Food on the water
Whether it’s a restaurant, a floating grill, or ice cream, there’s something about buying food while on a boat that makes you feel Venetian.
55. Fourth of July festivities
You watch the parades and take your boat out to view the fireworks. And you get drunk, not that this is lake house specific.
56. Affinity for turquoise and shells
Somewhere in your lake house there is some turquoise and a decorative shell. I’m pretty sure all the moms ever have had a meeting that has established this as the only acceptable lake décor.
57. Puzzles
You don’t even like puzzles all that much, but like clockwork, one gets started and you literally can’t fall asleep until it’s finished.
58. Calm water days
If you want to ski or zoom through the water without a thought for the waves, you strategically plan your day for the best results.
59. The cleanup process
You have to wash everything you touched because you’re a gross person.
60. It’s your favorite place in the world. It’s where you feel the most calm.
Even though you haven’t showered in three days and you’re tired beyond belief, there’s no place you’d rather be.
