In the future, you will need an excuse to get out of something. I know you. You’re going to need this whether it is to get out of a family function, someone’s kid’s recital, or getting out of plans made by an acquaintance.

Have you ever said yes to something that you wish you hadn’t had said yes to? You feel cornered by social norms to say yes to watch your cousin’s kid’s recital. Because apparently you have decided to proclaim your love for Beethoven and as luck would have it, little Sally has been practicing just the piece you have proclaimed to love. Yay… So you say “Well, yes! I would love to do that. That sounds amazing.”

No. No, that does not sound amazing. That sounds like something I absolutely do not want to do. But since I just made a remark about not liking accountants and said cousins is an accountant and I completely forgot, I cannot poo-poo their life one more time in this social interaction. So here I am. I said yes. Oh, God. How do I get out of this?

As follows is a list of acceptable excuses to get out of something.

1. Say you’re against it. You hold strong values against it.

The key to this is sticking to the excuse no matter what it is. You’re supposed to pick up the cake for the PTA meeting… just say you’re against cake. You can’t be near a cake and you certainly cannot be picking it up if you are so strongly against it. A man once wronged your family who was a cake decorator. To pick up that cake would be wronging your ancestors. You just can’t do it.

2. Pick a recent celebrity death and say that they were your aunt/uncle.

BB King died? You’ve also got plans made with your insufferable neighbor. Nope, you’ve got to grieve the loss of your uncle. This is cutthroat but stick with it.

3. Say you have diarrhea.

Gastrointestinal issues trump all. No one wants to catch whatever disease is making you dump liquid into the toilet. This is a sure-to-work excuse. You’re welcome.

4. Start eating handfuls of paper when you are asked to do something.

The questioner will be so thrown off by your sudden paper hunger that they will stop in their tracks. They will subsequently stop talking to you.

5. Imply that you are into civil war reenactment and have a reenactment that day.

No one will want to spend any more time around you after that.

6. Start sticking your fingers in your shoes and say that you are looking for something.

Just start digging in that sweaty shoe… Slowly inch away from the asker. Just focus in on digging in that sweaty shoe. They’ll be confused and we like it that way. Keep that asker confused and they will walk away unsure of what even just happened.