Do you know any moms?

Odds are you do. We're everywhere. You probably have one yourself.

Have you ever seen your mom or mom friends looking slightly....disheveled? Like maybe she's wearing the same sweatpants she wore yesterday....Maybe her "messy bun" now consists of a hair tie with like 4 strands of hair in it....Maybe she hasn't put on a bra not made of elastic in like, 2 weeks? I bet you have.

Now if you're in the normal population of people, when you saw that particular mom on that particular day, you said something nice or just completely ignored the fact that they looked like the swamp thing.

However some of you reading are NOT in the normal population of people, and your reaction was a little...different.

I get it, I get it. Moms are beautiful, magical creatures who grow humans, birth them into existence, feed them with their god damn bodies, work, and keep the rest of their family/house going, seemingly without breaking a sweat. We're rockstars, I understand. It's weird to see them when they look...human. Well lucky for you I am here to tell you what to say and what not to say when you see a mom in her, shall we say, natural (read: exhausted) state. Because no matter who you are, eventually, you're going to fall behind somewhere with these ridiculous standards we and society put on ourselves, and you're going to snap on the first person who asks you why you have popcorn in your hair or coffee grounds on your pants.

The DON'TS

1. Don't, for the love of God, ask if a mother is tired. And furthermore, don't tell a mom that she LOOKS tired.

Like, thanks asshole, I haven't slept since my youngest child was born 18 months ago, it's a miracle I'm still able to stand upright without assistance, YES I'm tired, and I KNOW I look tired, get away from me if you don't want me to spit venom in your eyes.

2. Did you know you have chocolate/barf/milk/boogers,etc. on your shirt/pants/arm,etc.?

Naw, I actually wasn't aware that when my child projectile vomited/shat on me, that some of it may have ended up on my clothing. I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable, let me go change...but first I need to go do 75 loads of laundry so I have clean clothes to change into, hold my baby...who totally IS going to puke/shit on you, by the way.

3. Can't you just take them to a daycare/get a babysitter?

I must have missed that memo where if you take your kids to daycare you no longer have to worry about them or take care of them. I actually end up doing MORE for my kids when I have a babysitter than I do when they're with me. Sister can come over and watch the kids so I can go "get a pedicure"? Trip to Target to buy the tutu for the older one and a new box of diapers and a onesie for the baby! And if I still have time, I can swing by and pick up the new Elmo dvd for the kids to watch while I make our dinner! Getting ahead/Getting caught up is way better than taking time to relax, and I really can't relax knowing that I could be getting caught up!

4. Don't you have mom friends you can go out with?

Here's the thing about mom friends: They're moms too! So instead of just worrying about MY kids' schedules and temper tantrums, I have to worry about theirs as well! This is NOT conducive to getting out to do anything fun "without kids". We might as well just PLAN to get our kids in bed as close to bed time as possible, then sit in our own houses and watch the same show on Netflix while texting. I mean honestly, at least I don't feel like I have to put on pants if we do it that way.

5. Don't you worry your husband won't find you attractive?

I'M SORRY, I must have missed that thing I signed that said I would always be a sexual goddess with a perfect body and perfect hair and always be waxed and trimmed and wearing lacy lingerie. MY BAD.
No, I'm not concerned that my husband, the father of our children, will find me unattractive. If for no other reason, because he doesn't even notice because he's probably as tired as I am. And not an asshole.

6. "I don't know how you do it"

Last time I checked, it was frowned upon to sell your children or leave them in a box at the fire station. I made these kids, birthed them, and am now caring for them. I am doing it because it's what I signed up for, and though I am exhausted both mentally and physically because I am pushed past my limits DAILY, I wouldn't give up these kids for all of the money in the world. That's love, guys. Sticky, ugly, shit-covered love. And it doesn't get any better than that.

Just do yourself and all moms a favor and stick to these phrases:

"You look awesome!"

"I love your hair!"

"You are an amazing mom"

"I didn't even notice!"

And my all time favorite: "You are a super mom, and you're friggin hot"

Stick to those 5 phrases and you should be fine.