Montanans are a different breed. That's why, no matter where you were born here or when, there's a few common experiences that unite us all in unceremonious

joy.

1. Laughing at “snow days” in other states.

Every Montanan has experienced several snow days, as a child or an adult. But none of us ever got to skip school when the roads looked like this:

Or like this:

See, that’s what Montanans call a Wednesday. We keep the car in two-wheel drive, take a layer of clothing off, maybe apply some sunscreen, and go about our business while other states hunker down for the impending snowpocalypse. Give me a break.

2. Branding

I imagine the rancher that invented branding had a thought: “Hey. You know what would make raising cattle ten times worse? Burning their hair and flesh!” Then, against all warnings, went ahead and did it. Let’s be honest, it’s 2015 and we’re still using molten metal to piss off milk machines. The NSA can track 300 million people wirelessly and we’re using blacksmithing tools from the dark ages? I say we task the agency with tracking the wandering steak dinners instead of discovering how much I play "The Simpsons: Tapped Out."

3. Sledding With Just Shorts On

We all remember the time we thought this was a great idea. Get a few friends together; shed some clothing, what could go wrong? “It’s so cold,” you’d say to your best friend Bubba Jones, who was clad quite similarly.

“It sure is!” Bubba would yell as his body left the sled, losing his nipples to the unforgiving mire of ice and gravel. You and Bubba would limp home to mom, who always seemed to have a cup of hot chocolate at the ready.

4. Seeing this:

It’s not that crazy that Dish Network and DirecTV built their receivers for normal weather. What's crazy is that they would sell them to Montanans. Chances are, if you were a subscriber, you spent six months out of the year looking at the above image, afraid to change the channel because, God forbid, the signal returns briefly and you get three seconds of "House Hunters." Checking a DVR only to find a half hour of blank screen is the Montana definition of snowpocalypse.

5. Listening To Dodge Pickups

It's no secret that the world is full of bad people. There must be a chip, hidden deep in the undercarriage of a Dodge pickup truck that prompts the driver to drive as loudly and recklessly as possible. I can’t for the life of me imagine why a sane person would seek to annoy so many innocent pedestrians by flaunting their loud-as-shit-because-it-is-shit engines. I propose that we exterminate anyone that currently owns a Dodge pickup. It’ll be a fast way to really separate the wheat from the serial killers.

6. Catching Daddy Making Meth

This varies depending on what part of the state you’re from, but I’ve heard many stories of Montana children waking up early Christmas morning to hear voices and odd noises in the basement. Santa, is that you? No, it’s daddy handing a small baggy to a man with no teeth. Don’t forget to check the stockings, I think Santa left a little more than coal this year.