Most people have experienced some type of grief or loss by the time that they’re 23 years old. It may be the loss of a grandparent, the loss of an aunt or uncle, or even the loss of a pet. Truth be told, most 23-year-olds don’t expect to experience the loss of a parent. When you’re young and have the whole world ahead of you, you imagine your future with your parents in it. You may see yourself married with children or you might see yourself living in a city and slaying all of your career goals. Whatever it is that you picture, you most likely picture your parents there supporting you.
The morning of February 4th, 2015, I got a call that brought me to the realization that not everyone gets that luxury. At 22 years old, I got the news that my father passed away from a heart attack at the age of 56. Suddenly, my whole world was turned upside down. I didn’t even see it coming. However, as morbid as the situation was — and still is — there are a few life lessons that I learned in my first year of grieving.
1. Don’t take anyone for granted.
I do not say this lightly. Do not take anyone for granted, whether it is your 2-year-old sister, your 90-year-old grandma, or your 25-year-old best friend. You never know when it’s the last time that you’re going to see or speak to someone. If you sense that someone in your life needs that extra love and attention, give it to them! If you have a fight with a loved one, let it go, apologize, and forgive. If you care for someone, let them know on a regular basis. Life is too short to carry the guilt of regrets and unsaid words.
2. It’s OK to break down.
Losing a parent at a young age is hard. It changes your outlook on life and shakes your feeling of security. Suddenly, nothing in your world is the same and that’s perfectly normal. You’re allowed to cry, scream, and even hate life for a while. You’re allowed to drown your sorrows in a bottle of champagne (or a case of beer if that’s more your style) and zone out on the TV until your eyes hurt. You’re allowed to lay in bed, unsure of what you’re even feeling. You're allowed to be confused and take all the time that you need. Just try to remember that your loved one is looking down on you, hoping that you won’t be stuck in grief forever. They are with you every day and they would love to see you be happy again.
3. Not everyone is going to understand.
The truth is, not everyone has experienced loss in their life. A lot of people haven’t even experienced the slightest bit of grief. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, those people are quite lucky. There will be days when you ask your friends for advice and they don’t have a response. This doesn't mean that they aren't there for you and it doesn't mean that they don't care. It just means that they've never been there before, so they're being supportive in any way that they can (even if that means just being there).
4. It's OK to talk about your loved one.
If there’s one thing that I learned, it’s that some people will feel uncomfortable when you bring up memories with your parent. It won't always be out of selfish reasons. It could be because they feel bad. It could be because they don't understand what you're going through. Either way, you need to ignore these people. I can recall a time when I brought up my dad and overheard someone say, "why do we have to talk about such morbid things?” I remember feeling offended that someone could be so insensitive. It's important to know that the memory of your loved one lives on through you and through the funny memories and lessons that you learned from them. It’s OK to mention them if something triggers a memory that you want to share. If that makes the people around you uncomfortable, then you might want to re-think who your friends are.
5. It never gets easier.
It’s been a little over a year since I got the news of my father's passing and it still feels like I got the call yesterday. Greif is not something that you get over, it's something that you learn to live with. I’m sure 10 years from now it will still feel like I got the call that morning. I miss my dad more and more every day, but I do get stronger. I learned to live with it. I remind myself that it’s not "goodbye," it's "see you later" and he is with me in spirit. He lives on through me and I know that he wouldn’t want me to live out my days in a depressive haze. Some nights, if I’m lucky, I even have a random dream where his presence creeps in and I can hear his faint voice say, “It’s OK honey puddles, just try not to worry,” and I wake up feeling a little less angry at the world. I try to remind myself of those days.
6. Not everyone knows what you’re going through.
Losing a parent can pause your whole world. Unfortunately, society doesn’t stop with you. After a couple weeks, you're expected to get back to school, get back to work, and get back to your daily routine. You might still be sad and angry and who can blame you? However, you have to remember that not everyone knows what you're going through. I was back at work the day after my dad's funeral (I thought that it would help). It was Valentine’s day and it is one of the busiest days of the year for servers. I will never forget a table that I encountered with a man who was unsatisfied and who spoke to me like I wasn't a fellow human being. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to scram and tell him that there are worse things in the world then his food taking 45 minutes, but I had to remember that he had no idea what I was going through. To him, this was just another Valentine’s day, his food was taking too long, and I was just another waitress. People will mistreat you. Maybe the lady at the store was mean to you, maybe your coworker made a rude remark, or maybe a friend or family member lashed out on you. Don’t let it break you. It’s OK to feel sensitive and angry, but it’s also important to remember that not everyone knows your backstory. It's crucial to remind yourself that everyone is living in their own world and dealing with their own hell.
Regardless of who you lose, death is never easy. It’s a sad truth of life that we all inevitably have to deal with. It’s an experience that changes you and that makes you look a littler deeper at life. I hope that people who are going through this can take my advice and allow it to teach them to love harder, to never take people for granted, and to live every day like it is the last.
