Greetings, world! I have come bearing an important list of steps for you to take if you are planning to approach a wild reader deeply engrossed in a book in their natural habitat. First of all, it would be best to let the professionals handle it, but if you are in a pickle and need to discuss something dreadfully important with the reader, follow the instructions below, through which I shall provide you with a step-by-step guide to help you approach these magnificent creatures. Fair warning: Results may vary, as not all of these techniques may be effective on your personal choice of reader. Continue at your own peril.
1. Just Don't
It would be better for everyone involved if you could just kind of leave a Post-It note attached to the side of your friend's head. Just to, you know, prevent blood spill. You could also text, and just not get a response for hours. This will more than likely occur with the Post-It note strategy too. However, I find the Post-It note more fun and I have an excess around my room anyway. Now if I could just find some sort of writing utensil...
2. Do not use the opener, "What book are you reading?"
Please, do not think this will be a good strategy. I beg of you. Think about the life you have! There are only three outcomes to this. First option: the reader will completely ignore you no matter how many times you repeat the question or her name. Second option: she will just grunt and lift the book so you can read the cover for yourself and ignore you. Or, the third option: the reader will launch onto a five-hour speech to tell you how amazing the book is and to summarize everything that's happened and what they think of it. If the third option occurs, you must adopt an expression of interest and nod. There will be no stopping the word vomit of appreciation of the book. Don't fight it or try to interrupt. Grab a sticky note and write down what you felt was so incredibly important that you had to interrupt the reader, so that you don't forget it as you weather the storm of gushing praise.
3. Bring a gift
I've found that an offering of food works the best. However! (And this is very crucial to the step, so don't skip over this rule.) Do. Not. Put. Your. Hand. Near. The. Reader's. Face. You may lose your hand. This is not out of maliciousness (at least, not most of the time), but the reader will merely smell the food, see movement out of the corner of her eye, and, without looking up, bite whatever is in front of her. To properly present the gift you must sit awkwardly close to her (but not too close or the reader will strike out to protect the book and the dear characters within--under no circumstances are you to tell the reader the characters are fictional) and waft the smell of the food towards her. Eventually, the reader will glance up from the page to figure out where the food is. Then, it is your time to strike.
4. Get to the point
Once you have snatched the reader out of the world of the book, they may be a little snippy with you. After all, you cruelly tore them from a wondrous land populated with characters steadily growing on them for your petty matters of reality. (Not that I am in any way biased.) However, to salvage the bonds of your friendship, keep it straightforward, get to the point, and attach a quick apology or prayer for forgiveness at the end as the reader will then have to go back to the beginning of the chapter to properly delve back into the world. Also important to note, if the reader asks for you to wait until they have finished the page or paragraph (or chapter if there are only a few pages left), please be reasonable. Don't sigh or tap your fingers or eat the offering you brought to them. Such actions may result in injury. Take the wait with grace-it's faster than the 27 hours later text response you would have gotten otherwise.
5. Run
Run for your life. Hopefully, the reader will return to the beginning of the chapter he was on and delve back into the world, forgetting or even possibly forgiving your trespassing on her fantasy world. Readers are often very protective of their characters and can strike faster and with more power than one might expect from someone who has been curled in the same position for the past four or five hours. You may think her foot is asleep, but it isn't and it will hurt if it smacks your shin for trying to touch her book. Never, ever, ever try to touch a reader's book. Not even you can outrun an angry reader.
6. Never do it again; you got lucky this time.
Once you run to a safe spot, lock all windows and doors. Check yourself over for any injuries. Injuries obtained by approaching a reader in the middle of a good book may include, but are not confined to: bitten hands or arms, bruised legs (especially shin area), large amounts of paper cuts that you will inevitably get something into, dents in your head about the shape and size of the corner of a book, bookmark imprints on cheeks from where reader swatted you away, and, in more serious cases, the tears of the reader who, while in the midst of discussion of the book, had burst into tears over a character who died and (in order to avoid getting tears on the book) sacrificed your shirt to soak up all the salty water of her tears.
It's safe to say that while these techniques may help, they cannot be used in all situations with all readers. If you are still unsure on how to approach a reader or none of these steps seem to be able to prevent any bodily harm coming to you, I would recommend you visit a reader's home den: the Library. At the library, the librarians (trained in the art of identifying readers) can help you identify what type of reader your friend is, and lend you a book on the proper approaching techniques. Thank you. I hope this article has saved at least one friendship.
