More often than not, it takes an outside source to help truly realize what’s going on in a potentially toxic relationship. Hearing from another person or even reading about it can be a huge eye-opener (and sometimes lifesaver) when it comes to investing in a toxic relationship or what could become a toxic relationship.
1. You're Not Sure Who You Are Without Them.
There’s a huge difference between wanting someone in your life because you’re better with them versus needing someone in your life for a sense of self. If you can look ahead and have a vision of who you are on your own with no companionship, whether this person is a boyfriend, girlfriend or even a best friend, then I wouldn’t say it’s toxicity. If you know who you are when you’re alone and you’re comfortable with who that person is deep down, this is not the case for you. But if you don’t know who you are, what you like, what you dislike, what you would literally do without this person in your everyday routine, I’d say that’s a red flag. There’s a cliché saying about loving yourself before you love someone else, but I’d have to say you need to be aware of yourself before you let anyone else become aware of you. Get to know yourself and who you are before you share your personal beliefs, thoughts, feelings with another person. You should be able to separate who you are by yourself from who you are with this special person. Wanting that person should not progress into needing that person. At the end of the day, all you should need is yourself. The only person you need to live with for your entire life is YOU. Make sure you love who that is.
It’s okay to be heartbroken over losing someone important to you. The heartbreak should root from losing them, not losing yourself. We’ve all been there, and it’s OK to fumble with this a couple times, but you should really try to put yourself together so you know what you’re left with and you’re okay with what remains.
2. You're Fearful Of Losing Them.
There’s a huge stigma with “I’m afraid he’s gonna break up with me” or “I’m afraid she’s gonna break up with me” and I believe that to be an issue. It’s kind of a piggyback off of number one, but you should be OK with being alone. You should never be afraid of being left behind. That is a problem that roots inside of you, not inside of your significant other. That is also not their responsibility, that’s yours. If you are with someone out of fear of being alone, that is on YOU. As I stated in number one, you should be OK with who you are when you’re alone in your room in the dark because, at the end of the day, the only person you truly need is you.
3. You Just Don't Feel As Confident As You Used To.
Sometimes, it’s hard to notice while it’s happening, but it could be a huge possibility that your significant other is subtly putting you down and you just haven’t realized it yet. For example, if their tone is nice but their words aren’t, that is a very manipulative way to make you think they’re helping you feel good. I’ve been in toxic relationships before, and it’s hard to tell until it’s in the past. A good way to tell is to compare how you felt before them to how you feel with them and see if there’s improvement. It’s very important to feel good in your own skin 24/7. You don’t dress, act or exist to please anyone but you. You shouldn’t care if they prefer you in their favorite color rather than yours or if they prefer your hair up when you prefer it down. You should do what you feel is best for you. This all begins with your mental state; if you are carefree to the mediocre opinion, this won’t affect you. Impressing people is overrated. They should like you for you no matter what.
4. You Realize You're Forcing Something That Should Be Natural.
The worst part of a relationship is when you realize you’ve been forcing it the whole time. Relationships should be natural. They’re not the easiest thing in the world, but you either have the feeling or you don’t. If you aren’t compatible, it’s OK. Never ever change yourself to be someone’s idea of perfect. There is someone out there who wants to be with someone exactly like you, but you just haven’t intersected paths just yet. Relationships are like trial and error or even trying on a pair of shoes: some are just right, some pairs hurt you while you walk, others you don’t fit in at all but you keep trying because you just like them so much and some are the best fit. This is the best way to lose yourself in the relationship because now your focus is more on them than yourself and that’s the last thing anyone should be doing.
5. Arguments Happen More Than They Should.
Do you ever start meeting someone and you feel an instant connection? You guys could talk for hours about anything and everything. You get to know them, and you think you have feelings for them. You guys get even closer, become best friends even, but decide to date. You believe dating your best friend is amazing, there’s nothing better. You’re so comfortable with them, but the spark is fading after a few months (or even longer, who knows). You argue more than you talk. Things just aren’t how they were when they started. It’s almost like you’re forcing things, but it’s more hostile than it should be. You even argue over the minute, miscellaneous things like where you’re going to hang out next or go out for food. You find yourself mad at them more than you’ve ever been, and you realize you’re only happy on an average three or so days a week.
This is when it becomes toxic. This is when it becomes forced. This is when you need to do what’s best for both of you and just go back to that just-friends vibe from the beginning. Arguing isn’t healthy, all the time. Chances are it’s a sign of pent-up anger or passive aggression. Still, no matter the source or causation, it’s unhealthy and something should change for the better – not you as a person, but rather your relationship as a whole.
6. Idealization.
A huge wake-up call in a relationship is when you begin to feel like you’re more interested in the idea of this significant other than who they actually are. The idea of dating them, being their friend, having them in your life, etc., is more appealing than what is real. This is not good for either of you. You’re fooling yourself, really. You should like a person for what they are, not what they could be.
Dating someone or being involved with another person shouldn’t be as emotionally tolling as it can be sometimes. I’m not saying it should be the easiest thing on the planet, all kinds of relationships take work, but it’s easier to lose sight of the big picture than it is to take care of yourself above anything else. Just be careful, keep your eye out. These things can creep up on you slowly.
