1. Being all gums pretty much disqualifies you from jobs but most jobs are awful so smile big and wide in that job interview and enjoy dat unemployment.
2. Your food options are restricted to milkshakes and gravy, the best possible outcome. Eventually, you'd die of malnutrition but it’d be the most patriotic way to go.
3. You can create an elaborate lie about being a hockey player or Xtreme sports athlete.
Get your hands on a hockey jersey and imagine all the free drinks you’d get by telling people you played for the Mighty Mighty Ducks. Call yourself Dwayne Gretzky, Wayne’s lesser known brother.
4. You no longer have to go back to the dentist on account of the fact that you got no chompers. No more hairy armed dentists shoving their reptile-skinned fists down your esophagus.
5. If you get upset with a friend then you can harmlessly vent your rage by biting them on the arm or face without inflicting injury on them.
6. You can scare ratty children who show up at your door on Halloween.
Upon opening the door you can reveal your gum-centric mouth with the craziest of looks in your eyes and yell, “this is what candy does to you, kiddos” then laugh maniacally as you punch them in the face.
