Welcome to the 2016 election, where as united Americans we are screwed either way!
While I am not the most engaged citizen regarding politics, I do have the common sense and the pulse to realize that we need an alternative before the end of the world.
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After much deliberation with my colleagues (I babysit a 6-year-old), we have decided an excellent alternative, and that is by electing the next best thing to run our country.
Why should we trust this lovely chimpanzee, you ask? Here are six reasons why.
1. Unlimited supply of bananas.
Besides terrorism, bad coffee and overpriced meals, there is not much Americans hate more than that gut-wrenching moment when you realize you ran out of bananas! Having a monkey as our President is our saving grace in this department, have you ever seen a monkey in less than a 15 foot span without a banana? Also, bananas are the perfect fruit to shove in a parent/friend/significant other's face when they're annoying the s*** out of you, as well as the perfect tool to trip a bitch in the hallway. Convenient and delicious!
2. They have the best intentions.
Monkeys are an extremely nurturing animal, only wanting the best for their people. Unlike most of the politicians in our government who only want to take our money, these creatures only want to make sure we are lice-free and don't have any bugs crawling around!
3. They are one of the most intelligent mammals.
Look it up on any website! Monkey's got brains on fleek! Though they don't look like the most intelligent creatures that have ever walked this earth, we don't have much better to compare them to!
4. They make terrific playmates.
Having a rough day? Who better to call up than our very own Monkey of the United States to hang on the jungle gym with? We have so much stress and pressure forced upon us due to society, so why not take a break and monkey around with the big ape in charge?
5. Free season passes to the zoo for ALL.
Tired of paying for those annoying season tickets for the zoo? With a monkey as our President, the only thing we will have to worry about is what kind of food to feed our favorite giraffe through the barbed-wire fence. Think about all of the money we will be saving our parents; no need for those stocking-stuffers anymore!
6. Our past two presidents were part chimpanzee.
Were you a fan of Bush and Obama but would've changed a few things? Makes sense, as research has shown they are both part monkey!
All of the parts you liked about them were more than likely due to their chimpanzee roots.
Thus leading us to our conclusion, join me on our road to a better future!
