If there's a single thing that I've learned as a student, it's to expect the unexpected. Mississippi can be dangerous with severe weather and religious liberty laws, but there is a major concern that no one seems to address. No freshman seminar covers the topic, no colorful fliers are posted in the campus elevators, and no philanthropy event raises funds or awareness for this tragedy; but all mysteries must eventually be brought into the light eventually, right?
Let me clarify my premise: You should not aspire to, encourage, or instigate fist fighting with the largest monitor lizard on the planet. Let me remind you why this is a bad idea.
1. Komodo dragons are better at aerobics than you are.
I know, I know, it's hard to accept. It's one of those hard to swallow facts of life that many of us can't force ourselves to face yet; however, peer-reviewed scientific literature has established that monitor lizard hearts are specialized in such a way that gives them a similar advantage to large predatory mammals when hunting due to the way their hearts promote oxygen intake. This means bad things for you if you try to bring an elliptical to a bite fight with a tertiary predator.
2. This lovely lizard could effectively hide the body if the proceedings get too passionate.
Komodo dragons have the uncanny ability to swallow huge chunks of meat in a short period of time because of their specific jaw structure. You might think you're safe because you're not challenging them to an eating contest and you're not just a chunk of meat. You'd be sadly mistaken. They can consume up to 80 percent worth of their body weight in one sitting in addition to the prior talent. These suckers can get up to 200 pounds and they eat in large groups so even if you are actually a truck masquerading as a college student you could find yourself on the wrong side of a digestive system.
3. Statistically speaking, a komodo dragon wouldn't even break a sweat during a fight.
That statistic is 100 percent. Varinid lizards, the sort that this mighty beast belongs to, are covered in scales and have no sweat glands. Excess salt is excreted out of glands in the nostrils which hardly counts as sweating.
Fire cannot kill a dragon (or make it feel awkward for wearing a grey shirt at the gym).
4. While we rest and play, they're becoming stronger with greater numbers.
The months at the height of the komodo dragon mating season just so happen to be whenever we're getting soft and comfortable in our lack of routine. Most mating happens between May and August, resulting in the average brood of thirty eggs. Is this a coincidence or battle strategy? Since most of us are not with child, let alone 30 of the tiny hominids, we are at a distinct numbers disadvantage. Even if you're personally among the minority of college-aged persons with thirty infants, I'm not convinced that your children could tactfully stand up for your honor to an equal number of large lizards.
5. A komodo dragon is not above telling the tale of your defeat for years to come.
The normal dragon lifespan is approximately 30 years. Look deep into those reptilian eyes and ask yourself just how long you're willing to let your reputation be sullied by an animal that looks like it's eternally halfway through a push up. I'll wait for your answer. In 30 years time some of you could be running for public office or trying to trying to raise children. No one wants to give an explanation of their behavior in college, especially if it's a sensitive subject concerning giant reptiles.
6. It is rude to physically assault an endangered species.
While I do not know your mother personally, I'm sure she didn't raise you to get into fist fights with vulnerable populations that play a significant role in the ecosystem they call home. Shame on you. Conscientious college students would benefit from aiding current conservation efforts throughout the world maintain the sensitive number of komodo dragons in the face of habitat loss and poaching.
Remember that the stress we're put under in April can drive us right up to the brink of madness sometimes, but we should strive to not let frustrations bubble over in ways that could hurt someone. I suppose, deep down, that's the real reason why we shouldn't try to fist fight a komodo dragon.
