When I was younger I used to listen to a lot of music. Music as a teenager just seemed so great, almost like the artist was speaking to or about you. However, like a lot of things, certain types of music starts to get a little less special when you get older. Hell I listen to a lot less music in general, opting instead to listen to podcasts or interviews. So, what? Does music just suck now? I guess that argument could be made. Cough. Sorry, that cough sounded terrible, like it was the same thing over and over again for way to long. I think the real issue is the older I get the more I start to realize that songs, especially pop ones, are pretty dumb. I know you probably think I'm wrong, or just jealous of artists who get to make a living by singing and to that I say "Oh my God look over there!" Ha suckers. For those of you who stuck around I guess I'll have to show you what I mean. Let's start with...

1. Justin Bieber, "Love Yourself"

Now I know you might think this song is super clever, because it's like he's saying fuck yourself, but he replaced fuck with love. Which I guess in and of itself might say a lot about him as a person, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. No see I'm talking about the specific line "my mama don't like you and she likes everyone." Hey Justin, guess what? That makes no goddamn sense. If she likes "everyone" that means she likes Justin's ex. You can't both like everyone and also have someone you don't like, it's just not how that word works. So you can cream in your jeans all you want over Justin's hot new "diss track" but just know that this singer has a fundamental misunderstanding of how grammar works.

2. Sean Mendes, "Treat You Better"

Sean Mendes does a lot of things wrong. As you can tell by the picture, he doesn't even spell his name correctly. The main offense though comes in his song "Treat You Better" which is about stealing people's girlfriends. The line in question? "And any girl like you deserves a gentleman." First thing's first, Sean, if you want to be respectful call her a woman. If you think of yourself as a "gentleman" I'd think you know that Sean. Also, why are you telling her what she deserves? Do you think she is so unable to make a decision for herself that she never even considered that she should be treated well? Maybe she knows better than you how she wants to be treated and can make up her own damn mind. She doesn't need some punk kid who can't even spell his own name right trying to run her life.

3. Taylor Swift, "Bad Blood"

Now I thought the scariest thing you could do was break up with Taylor Swift, because she would immortalize every problem you had in a song. The one about me would probably be titled "Intimacy Issues" or "Inappropriate Drunk Texts" or "Why do you always shush me when we're watching a movie, it's almost like you care more about movies than you do about me!" Sure I thought some of Taylor's songs were a little petty, but I wasn't going to fault her too much. Most songs seem to be talking about how much you love someone or how much you hate them now that you're not together anymore. However, Taylor hit an all time low with the song "Bad Blood." See "Bad Blood" was about some drama that amounts to unsubstantiated rumors (started by Taylor) and a tweet from Katy Perry. A tweet. Taylor's response was to grab two guns and three uncomfortable looking friends to murder her! Look at all that firepower. Most school shooters have better motivation than someone made one mean tweet about them. Taylor's got some issues and I think it's time someone addressed it.

4. Katy Perry, "Roar"

When Katy Perry isn't bringing fire and brimstone down on herself by instigating crazy people, she's busy making terrible music. I'll be honest it was hard to choose, especially when the target demographic for one of her songs was fireworks. Hey Katy, fireworks don't buy MP3s. But that one is so obvious I'm sure this isn't the first time you're reading that critique. What I want to discuss is the line in "Roar" when she says "I am the champion, and you're gonna hear me roar." When I think of things that roar "champion" isn't very high up on my list. Lions, tigers? Absolutely. She even mentions those in the same song! Why isn't the line "I am the lion, and you're gonna hear me roar"? That makes infinitely more sense than the current version. Right now she's just saying two completely unrelated things. It's as if I said "I am the cashier and you're going to hear me quack." It's just two completely unrelated thoughts put together in a sentence.

5. Twenty One Pilots, "Stressed Out"

It took me a little while to find this song, because I thought the artist was called "Blurryface." Maybe that was the name of the band before and they just decided they didn't want to change the lyrics? But if you're going to have an obnoxiously popular song where you say "my name is _______" over and over again, you should fill that blank with the actual name of your group. It just seems like bad marketing. Side note, there's also a line "I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang." But that line actually doesn't rhyme with anything! Through his complaint he did the thing he was complaining he couldn't do. What a moron.

6. Daya, "Sit Still, Look Pretty"

This song isn't as bad as the rest of them on this list, because it doesn't say something stupid until the end. See with this song Daya was trying to show the world that she's more than an uncomfortably attractive 17 year old, she's a feminist warrior. And honestly, fucking slay some sexism Daya, someone's gotta make up for Meghan Trainor. Here's the problem though, the whole song she's saying she isn't going to "sit still, look pretty" like she's told. However, during the bridge she admits "I'm a pretty girl". What gives Daya? You're admitting you're pretty so what part of "sit still, look pretty" do you object to? Is it just the sitting still part? Is your whole song about wanting to move around and look pretty instead of just sitting still? I don't get you Daya.

Conclusion:

I can count to pointless more songs, describing unhealthy relationships or just making dumb statements but the point is this, music is stupid. Teenagers like music because they too are stupid, but anyone over the age of 19 that still likes music is an idiot. Like what do they think they're doing? Capturing a feeling that resonates with a large audience of individuals with disposable income? Do they not think that we would analyze each and every word they say as opposed to just listening and enjoying the songs? That's as bad as movies presuming they can get away with plot holes because they "make you feel something." Ha good try music and movies, I'm onto you.