Well, it's August, so you know, that means we've got three months left until whatever disaster is headed for the White House happens, and the day occurs that Marty McFly will go back in time to warn us that we're about to make the wrong choice.
On the one hand, having Marty McFly hang out in a time where the self-lacing Nikes are a real thing might be pretty cool, but on a realer hand, this is absolutely terrifying. We have before us a fear-mongering, narcissistic, baby-handed monster of a candidate, and a candidate that will be four more years of no change.
"When you say it like that, Neil, it seems like it might be an obvious choice."
Yeah, it really really does. Somehow, though, missing emails outweigh a dozen months of aggressive and hate-based campaigning and a life of sexist tendencies and flip-flopping on every opinion ever stated. Check Politfact and you can see that over 70 percent of Donald Trump's recorded statements are straight-up false. Similarly, even though her statements are not nearly as false, Hillary Clinton scores as having only about 20 percent of her statements as being entirely true.
That's messed up, guys, but instead of continuing to lecture you on what all of your high school friends, old coaches, racist hometown crowd and that one girl or guy you met on a trip to California repeatedly tell you, I'm just going to lay out some options for who would do a better job as president, because we seem to think that we are in a place in history where in three months, we can radically change the political system and make a third-party candidate a viable option.
(Quick side rant, though: The time to start campaigning and supporting a third-party candidate isn't when Bernie didn't pan out and you want to pout so close to such a freaking important election, but like I said...quick rant.) Anyway, let's go ahead and see who or what you can keep in the back of your mind to write in come November 8, 2016.
1. Leonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort.
So, yeah, maybe he's a little sexist. Absolutely he does too many Quaaludes and cocaine, but really, that's just more of a character flaw. Belfort knows how to run a business and he can really get us out of this financial crisis we're in. Also, if you've seen the movie or read the book, you'd know that he's no government insider. In fact, he's shown us that we should be electing an outsider to the political process. Also, he's not afraid to speak his mind. We could use someone like this in the White House. Now, maybe you'd think someone as unhinged and absolutely insane to consider for leading the country shouldn't be president. Well, I'll just go ahead and let that sink in, then.
2. This dog.
Now, not all dogs are known for being overly patriotic. In fact, historically, they aren't. However, if you throw red, white and blue anything at a candidate, they seem more of a viable option. Let's say, for example, if you're a dog and you want to look more patriotic. Maybe you could do like this yellow lab and throw a flag up, or maybe (hypothetically, of course) you could drop a comical amount of balloons at a rally and look overjoyed, kind of like a puppy, as you play with said balloons. Seems a little too silly for a candidate that takes themselves seriously, you say? Well.
3. Miley Cyrus as Miley Stewart, trying on glasses.
By now, if you're still reading, I'm going to stop beating around the bush: I'm highlighting the horrendous traits of our political options. So, there's that. I thought I should at least make digs at both parties before I made that abundantly clear.
Here we've got a huge issue on both sides of the political fence: consistency with stances. Both major party candidates have said one opinion on a certain issue and then flip-flopped on that issue, whether it be same-sex unions, reproductive rights, stances on economic issues and even education. As shown by the varying degrees of false statements spouted from both candidates, it becomes clear that both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are going to say and do anything possible to pull in as many votes as possible.
They are going to be like a teenage girl, pretending it's plausible that no one would know that a blonde version of her is a famous pop star while trying on glasses to appear smarter than she is. It's improbable and insulting to the audience, but makes for entertaining television.
4. This fake-tanning, racist pageant child.
The overwhelming amount of sexism alone that Trump has displayed (including his time before his political career) is something that can't be ignored. We have to stop pretending that he's someone that women, especially young women, can support and look up to. Whether he's making suggestive comments, the classy and very mature period joke or straight-up judging people on their appearance, this behavior cannot continue.
Similarly, the complete disregard for cultural sensitivity. I know being PC isn't always cool, but it's important when you're the head of a nation and constantly dealing with foreign affairs that your idea of making amends with the Hispanic community isn't tweeting a picture of you eating Americanized Mexican food. Also, he has baby-sized hands (it isn't Photoshop, trust me, because I'm saying things on the internet so it must be true.)
5. This burger hurling insults. I mean, pickles.
Anyone and everyone, from "crooked Hillary" to "lyin' Ted Cruz," Trump loves to insult others. However, you take a gander at Hillary Clinton's social media presence and every video posted is an attack on Donald Trump. Granted, some of these insults are warranted, that's not the point. It doesn't take much to throw insults at an easy target, and it's even easier when you begin to rally your troops to throw them, as well. That's where the problem begins.
I can't scroll through my news feed (or ashamedly my own page) on Facebook without seeing endless insults on opposing sides. This campaign has become something ugly and cruel, because it stopped being about who is the best candidate, and has become about who is the lesser evil. To highlight that, both sides of the discussion are trying to tear the other down, and miraculously, Trump's efforts to tear himself down haven't been noted by his supporters as trigger warnings, but, you know, what are you going to do?
6. Leslie Knope.
I'm serious. Also, I believe that if she were elected (because she has just a good of a chance as anyone outside of the two main candidates) that this would be her first address to the public about this past campaign trail.
So, in short, I can't help myself from ranting every once in a while. Both candidates are lesser than Leslie Knope, and Giphy is the best and the worst thing to happen to my life since Literature of Oppression (it was great because I loved it, bad because I always wanted to show subtle signs of resistance every time I was mad).
Oh, also Donald Trump is a terrible person, Hillary Clinton isn't always strong with her stances, and we aren't ready for a third-party candidate to win the presidency.
Happy Politics, friends.
