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2016 is inching closer and closer to us like the lackadaisical crawl of death, but instead of trying to make your future any brighter or contributing meaningfully to even the most diminutive facet of known existence, you've gone and fell victim to another clickbait article on the internet. Congratulations, you execrable human catastrophe you. You’re here because you’ve managed to evade the duty of natural selection against all odds, and yet still can’t seem to muster up even a single word to live by for the next year of this incredibly protracted rat race. Since I’m candidly the bigger person here, I’ve laid out a plethora of resolutions you should recite to yourself several times each day of the next year in the hopes that you’ll abide by them and alter your deplorable lifestyle. Let’s get right down to it, you miserable oaf.

1.) “I will stop calling my food ‘mother mush’ before I shovel it into my grotesque maw with a ladle”

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your terribly inept ways of social interaction. This behavior needs to stop at once. You’re hurting your poor mother’s feelings. More often than not, she feels put down by the comparison to otherwise enjoyable sustenance. To add insult to injury, you always use her favorite Rocky themed ladle to throw it down your gullet like a viscous Shop-Vac. Just stop.

2.) “I will finally donate my collection of mediocre comedian Jeff Dunham DVD’s”

You have 18 copies of Minding The Monsters and counting. Enough is enough. It’s time to retire this nauseating hobby and give to someone in need for a change. There are middle schoolers in need of cheap entertainment.

3.) “I will purchase a copy of Richard Simmons’ autobiography”

Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story is a novel that every sensible individual has read at least once in their lifetimes. Richard Simmons is an absolute treasure and his eccentric personality shines through his words. In short, he’s the polar opposite of you. You can learn a wealth of knowledge from such a delightful man.

4.) “I will avoid people named Trevor”

This one speaks for itself.

5.) “I will end every sentence with ‘hear me, for I have spoken’”

In order to garner a sense of respect, assert your authority by proclaiming that you have indeed utilized your vocal chords to their fullest potential to produce words in the language of your choosing. This is a sure fire way to get people to listen to your dreadful “out-loud” thoughts.

6.) “I will give up my dream of becoming a part-time duckling slapper”

You wish to cause physical harm to innocent creatures for quick money because you are a despicable human being. Your putrid influence on these creatures is what causes these somewhat adorable aves to metastasize into absolute nightmares. Please abandon all hope of this goal for the greater good

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