Hey Elon Musk, I think you’re a cool guy and I want to work for you. I did some brainstorming this afternoon and I have some cool ideas for inventions that you should make and then pay me for.
1. Air Conditioner That Blows Hair Conditioner
What a fun name for a product! The idea is that in the summer the air is hot and dry. By combining and air conditioner and hair conditioner, we eliminate both problems at once. Plus, Tesla could outfit the AC with special conditioner cartridges that only take Tesla brand conditioner, in yet another opportunity to make money. I’ll let the genius of this product sink in for a minute.
2. Bubbles That Taste Like Freedom
I was told in 2nd grade that freedom was intangible. Bullshit, because I just made bubbles that taste like it. Freedom tastes like a mix of lime, bubble gum, and cold french fries, and boy oh boy is it a hit at 4th of July parties. As an added bonus we could package each item with a sticker that reads: “Freedom Bubbles Are Not Free…”
3. Device That Mutters Liberal Propaganda
Everyone has been to a Thanksgiving dinner where Grandma refuses to get hearing aids. She can’t hear anything, so you mutter liberal propaganda just quietly enough that she suspects you’re going to vote for Hillary. Well now instead of having to be creative about your anti-establishment tirades, this device does it for you! It comes pre-loaded with over 100 phrases, and here are a few samples:
"Our military has too much money."
"Smoking legal weed was a great way to get over my recent abortion."
"I follow Obama on Twitter."
4. Donuts With the Holes
Ever eaten a doughnut and wished you had just two more bites? Now you can, because we’re going to put the holes inside of the donuts. It literally only takes about 2 seconds to add the hole into the middle of each doughnut, plus we can charge more because there is technically more food! Everybody wins!
5. Fan That Plays Year 3000
If the Hair Conditioning Air Conditioner didn’t tickle your fancy, the Year 3000 fan will. You see, the Jonas Brothers are all doing their own things now, but like me, many people are anxiously awaiting their inevitable comeback. There’s no faster way to get them together than to license one of their songs and help them realize how much money they are missing out on. Some people might ask, “Does the fan play any other songs?” The answer is no, the fan only plays Year 3000.
6. The Do-It-Yourself Tracheotomy Kit!
Ever been on a date with someone that does not know the Heimlich Maneuver? That’s okay, if you’ve got your Do-It-Yourself Tracheotomy Kit with you! It’s basically just a knife, some band-aids and a little hand mirror. All you have to do is aim the mirror at yourself and cut away! That meatball will be dislodged from your throat in no time. Also includes a last will and testament, should you wish to fill it out before enacting the kit.
