Most of the time, my writings are centered around positive thoughts and pretty little blessings because I’m a believer in optimism. Today, though, I feel like being really real with you about something that I struggle with.
Normally, if I were to write a piece about my anxiety, it would be inspirational and uplifting. Today is just the cold, hard truth of what I struggle to get through. I know writing about it won’t make it go away. I know you reading it won’t necessarily make your day better. I also know that nobody likes a “Debbie Downer”, so I apologize in advance. Maybe it’ll feel better to get it all off my chest, or maybe it’ll just help you to understand what it’s like to be a person living with severe anxiety. Either way, I’m about to get very raw with an ugly subject. Here are six things that I wish people understood about people who live with the monster that is anxiety.
1. It can affect your ability to work.
If you are in school or working a public job, you are normally only allowed a certain number of absences before you start to receive negative consequences. I totally understand the need for this, because I’ve worked with people who will not show up because they want to go party or just are not feeling the whole “working” scene. People call in “sick” all the time at my age. They have events to go to, they’re tired, and on the occasion, possibly hungover... But what about the girl who’s totally willing to work, but feels like she can’t breathe? The one who’s trying to drive to work, but has to pull over to talk to herself so that she doesn’t burst into tears because she feels so frightened in traffic? Or the one who is at work or school trying to focus on the task at hand but has to keep taking trips to the bathroom to take deep breaths and stop the screaming in her head? Anxiety is not considered a valid sickness, so I’ll face the same consequence as the others who aren’t sick at all. I’ve been fired from a job because of this in the past, and it’s really discouraging and frustrating.
2. It impacts self-image.
You’re constantly going to not feel good enough, and the insecure self-talk is hard to go through. Having an illness that keeps you from performing at your best really takes a toll on your self-image and who you think you are. It affects every aspect of life from work/school, to relationships, to performance with daily functioning. Before you even know it’s happening, you’re drowning in a pool of self-loathing. The voices in my head would be enough to drive anyone crazy. You hear that you’re not wanted, that you’ll never be able to succeed, that you’re constantly making a fool of yourself, that people would rather avoid you than bother to help you, that you’re an inconvenience. It feels like it never stops. You slowly become your own worst enemy, and that feels so scary.
3. It keeps you from having normal experiences.
Depending on which type of anxiety you have, there will be things that you can’t do. I can’t do a lot of things that I either want to do, or I feel like every human should be able to do with no problem. I am almost 20 years old, and I’m on a road to recovery. For the past 5 years, though, these are some examples of things I’ve missed out on. I couldn’t drive, go in a grocery store, go to the movies or the mall with my friends, go to football games in high school, sleep in my own room, sit in a church sanctuary, make it to work and hold a job, keep friends who understood my limitations, stand up for myself when bullied, meet new people, sit in a classroom or go to public school, go to college. The list could go on and on if I let it, but you get the gist of it.
4. People do not understand.
Depending on your age, your peers will have different things to say about what you’re going through. They won’t understand one bit, but they will be full of judgments about how you function (or can’t sometimes). I’ve been labeled as “crazy”, “psychopath”, “lazy”, “dramatic”, and “retarded” within my time of battling all of this. It makes everything so much harder, having to feel like you owe everyone an explanation of what is happening in your head. Even if you do explain, sometimes that isn’t good enough because it won’t always make sense to everyone else. I genuinely think that an anxiety disorder is something you can’t fully understand unless you’ve experienced one, but that doesn’t stop people from having all sorts of things to say about it.
People’s lack of understanding, even when they are kind and supportive, can be difficult to work with. It’s rarely understood that sometimes you won’t have a specific reason as to why you’re anxious. Sometimes you just feel like you’re drowning or your body is falling apart for no known reason. Being told that it’s “all in my head and I need to calm down” has never once helped me get through a panic attack. Anything can trigger one, and everyone has different things that help them get through it. While it’s usually appreciated when someone tries to help, it can seem unfair when a perfectly healthy person comes along and spits out general terms like it’s the answer to all healing. It feels unfair to feel misunderstood and alone.
5. There are physical effects.
You will feel the physical effects of anxiety on your body. Because you’re always tense, you’ll have body aches and pains. There will be headaches, muscle tension, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, stomachaches and nausea. It’s possible to gain stomach ulcers from all the stress (I’m one of these lucky people). Anxiety can cause acid reflux and heart problems in your future if not treated. It’s not just in your head, after a while. It spreads like a wildfire throughout your body, and it feels like you can’t run fast enough to get out.
I’m going to end this article with these six examples. Anxiety is tough, and that feels like the biggest understatement in the world to be typing right now. It can be made easier, though, by having others understand better what is happening. Open up your mind to the things you don’t understand and practice empathy. I’d also like to add that I wrote this months ago, and since then I’ve come a long way. I’ve gone through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and have taken personal steps towards healing, and I’m doing so much better. I don’t think anxiety is unbeatable, but I think it’s important that people understand what you’re going through in the dark times before you overcome it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, with an open mind. Toodles!
