This past June, Disney announced that the ride, "Splash Mountain," would abandon the extremely racist 1948 film, "Song of the South," and be rebuilt and rebranded around "The Princess and the Frog." This is super exciting, but it did not escape my attention that it took until 2020 for Disney to A) get rid of a ride dedicated to a film that glorifies slavery and B) give "The Princess and the Frog" the major attraction it clearly deserves. So, I did some Disney sleuthing, and here are 6 Disney Movies that should have been made into rides before "Song of the South" was EVER considered.
1. "The Story of Menstruation"
Psh! Women.
You and your family hop into the ovary cars, the ovarcoaster, if you will, with great gusto. You zoom into a fallopian tube, twisting and turning past preteen girls sobbing into their boudoirs. "Oh no! A cyst approaches!" Mickey Zaps it without even trying. He is Fantasia. You are safe. Minnie Sobs nearby, bleeding enthusiastically. Your middle-aged husband is slapped in the face by airborne endometrial tissue. He smiles softly. He finally understands women.
2. "The Brave Little Toaster"
I think the toaster's cute friend might be a vacuum bag? I'm not sure, but I would kill and die for him/her
You get into the toaster and he's just so f*cking brave. He gives a speech about loyalty and friendship. With tears in your eyes, you run to the nearest theme park bathroom and call your meanest relative. Families reunited. Years of estrangement healed. YOU are the toaster.
3. "Fuzzbucket"
Just LOOK at him
You don't get on this ride. No one gets on this ride unless they actively hate themselves. You've heard it consists of being locked in a dark treehouse with a hairy rodent man called Fuzzbucket who has no concept of personal space.
4. "That Darn Cat"
That meddling cat!
You get into a very average rollercoaster car. Suddenly, you hear meows. The cat has stolen the roller coaster! Darn! You chuckle all the way home.
5. "The Gnome Mobile"
image the book mobile of yore, but this time with GNOMES inside
You are on a bus and there are gnomes, oh, so many gnomes. They're singing about gnome life which consists of moss and hippity hoppity. A animatron gnome places a flower crown on your head and, staring into their joyfully blank robot eyes, you finally discover the secret to ending climate change.
6. "Unidentified Flying Oddball"
The knights of the round table but the table is a flying saucer and the knights are BOTS
You are handed a robot duck and a flower crown. You are the sword in the stone. It is the space ride but with ducks and swords. If someone knows what the plot of this movie is please notify me immediately. The two sentences on Wikipedia continue to haunt me.
sunrise
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bonfire friends
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sadness
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purple skies
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true love
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My Cheerleader
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womans transformation to happiness and love
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future life together of adventures
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