I love to read. I always have. In second grade, I remember begging my mom to take me grocery shopping with her so that I could hang out in the book aisle for an hour. Little did she know, I was just stalking the latest R. L. Stine Goosebump releases. Or maybe she did know that & just decided to look past that since having a kid who wanted to read was something worth celebrating? Who knows. Anyway, I’ve come to never trust the internet for a suggestion. Here are 6 must reads the world wide web suggested & what I thought of them. Read ‘em & weep.

1. Eat, Pray, Love

Ah. The woman in her early 30’s who “has it all” & insists it isn’t enough. Follow Liz on her quest all over the world to find herself & happiness. Yay, self discovery! Yay, women following their dreams! Ya...I couldn’t finish.

Rarely, & I mean rarely, so I give up on a book. This is an exception. The main character is so whiny & I couldn’t bear to listen to her complain for one more page. Also, who realistically gets to take a year off of real life to travel the world & share noodles with some European babe? Shut up, Liz. I hate you & your story.

2. Go Set A Watchman

This book is an absolute mockery of How To Kill A Mockingbird. Like, a bad first draft of a story that you wouldn’t feel comfortable showing anyone. But then, the manager of your estates finds it locked away, forgotten in a safe, & publishes it for the world to see.

Scout turns into a lunatic - who is suddenly only motivated by marriage. Meanwhile, her dad turns into a giant, racist dick. How does this equate to any type of realist character development? It doesn’t. Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

3. Bossypants

Listen, I love Tina Fey. I wish that her & Amy would invite me to their inner circle - where we can laugh & joke & drink wine from a box. As much as I wanted to like this book because of my love for Tiny, I couldn’t get onboard. It’s this collection of mini stories, most focused on how tricky it is to be a woman in a man’s world. Now, we have a woman I love, a topic I love, & a book that… I hate? As a reader, it’s confusing - as there doesn’t feel like a common thread to connect the stories. (Sure, 1 perspective might seem like enough but this proves it is not.) Maybe my expectations were too high? Maybe the comedy went over my head? I don’t know. I definitely would not recommend to anyone who was even looking for a slight laugh.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey

Everyone in this story is insane. Anastasia makes me want to commit a crime. Easily one of the most annoying characters to ever grace the pages of fiction. If you can get beyond that, well… then, you must have the patience of the Lord.

The entire book I kept picturing that scene from 10 Things I Hate About You with Julia Stiles in the principal’s office. Reads exactly like that. My grandma could write a better shiny cover. She could also recommend a much better one for you to read.

5. The Goldfinch

I feel like I would’ve hated this book significantly less if it didn’t take me half a year to read because it’s the same length as the bible. At 718 pages, reading this was the highest level of commitment I’ve had in awhile. & it’s not a light, quick 700+ pages, either. It drags ON AND ON AND ON. How many pages does an author need to describe the sky in Amsterdam? How many more adjectives can you shove into this brick of a novel?

Do you know what else I remember out of all of those pages? Sometimes, life sucks. Also, you shouldn’t trust anyone named Boris who has a fancy ring collection. (Is his name even Boris? I cannot remember - since the real meat of the story was so far buried in unnecessary drivel.

6. Me Before You

Ha. You’re all going to be so mad. That’s why I saved this one for last. Sure, it’s an easy read. That I can appreciate. & that is the only positive thing I have to say about this.

Now, a list of things I hated:

- This is anything but “inspirational”. If you find quotes like Live, Laugh, Love inspirational, though, you’ll definitely disagree.

- Each sentence is one cliche after another. An actual quote - “You only get one life. It's actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.”

- The rhetoric reads like a 9th grade poetry class. See quote above.

- The ending is definitely a HARD STOP (see JoJo, I can do cliches too!) & yet, there is a sequel?! WHAT?

If you’re looking for an unconventional love story, this isn’t it. Go watch Moonlight.

...and commence hate mail!