We’re very sensitive about alcohol in this country. Myriad social constraints are placed on when it is acceptable to drink, the motives of the drinker, and where it’s ok for them to enjoy their beverages of choice. A lot of these pressures are applied for good reason. Alcoholism sucks (duh) and nobody wants to see you develop a problem that you’re going to spend your lifetime battling. Others, I submit to you, are illusory. I speak of course not of the why, but the when and where.

Get on board with the shower beer. Kurt Vonnegut, God rest his soul, implored us to find something in this world that would allow us a moment’s respite wherein we might endeavor to acknowledge, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” Case in point: How stress-relieving is a hot shower? How refreshing is a good beer? Imagine them together, the juxtaposition of the massaging hot water and the panoply of flavors beer offers in its wide and diverse varieties. It’s the ultimate experience of economically conservative personal relaxation.

“But Gavin, what if I shower in the morning?” What’s your point? The 5 o’clock rule has always struck me as arbitrary. I know plenty of people with healthy drinking habits who enjoy a beer over lunch and just as many raging alcoholics who don’t think they have a problem because they can wait until the evening. What kind of magic happens at five that suddenly makes drinking okay? What else happens? Are you going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight? No. You’re an adult. Try to think like one. If your aim is to enjoy a beverage for its own sake regardless of the side effects and that’s the only drink you’re planning on having throughout your day (okay, yeah right) why does it matter what time it is? Besides, it’s eight in the morning. 5 o’clock was three hours ago. Brother, sister, do you.

Or maybe you’ve just come in from working outside in this sweltering Satan’s butthole of a summer. You’re overheated, thirsty, and need to shower. Take a cold one with a cold one. Get a little pool party going with yourself. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Live your life immune to judgment.

And sadly there will be judgment. Transplant drinking from the scenarios and loci dictated by social programming and people with feeble critical thinking skills and poorer habits than yours will crawl out of the woodwork to shame you. All you can say to those people is, “How’s that Alzheimer’s coming along you Diet Coke-chugging troll? Forget my number. I’ll see you and Dr. Phil in hell.”

What those people fail to understand (aside from most everything) is that drinking in the shower is a choice. It’s not that you’re drinking so much that it’s become an accessory to every activity throughout your day. You’ve waited for this moment to make your beers count toward a spa experience you don’t have to leave home for. Cheers!