500 Things That Grind My Gears:
That Hopefully Won't Start a Facebook Argument
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0. Random references to the show Family Guy
0. Random pop culture references in articles that I don't understand
0. Like this title
0. Overly sentimental sappy articles that follow the same formula.
0. The phrase, "We need to talk."
0. Talking
0. Listicles
0. Sarcasm (I say sarcastically)
0. People who think they're better than other people because they "think differently" and post about it on the internet and share it with everyone else who "thinks differently."
0. Pringle cans
0. Overly stuffed burritos
0. Plagiarism
0. Realizing that I literally just plagiarized Bo Burnham in numbers 7 and 8.
0. Superman. He is way too powerful and stupid. I mean, all he has to do is not touch kryptonite or lead. And what does he do? Fly around touching kryptonite and lead.
0. And he broadcasts it to everyone, too.
0. Subway. Not the train. The fast food place.
0. They literally put a fork in my sandwich.
0. Baked inside the chicken
0. People whose gears get grounded? Grinded? Verbed? easily.
0. People who voted for a gorilla as president.
0. People who voted for a dead gorilla as president.
0. The fact that as I type this, my phone keeps trying to autocorrect my words to emojis.
0. I typed gorilla, not alien.
0. Gorillas don't grind my gears, though.
0. But they do make me go bananas. Or ape sh*t. Either pun works the same.
0. Realizing the the ABCs and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" are the same song.
0. The Teletubbies
0. Mr. Mime
0. Any humanoid Pokémon
0. Mustaches.
0. I feel like, to have a mustache, you have to be that annoying guy in the office who walks around bothering people at their desk,
0. when really they just want to get their spreadsheets done and move onto the next part of their depressing day.
0. More vampires novels
0. The fact that I left my milkshake outside for three days.
0. And no boys have come to the yard.
0. Jokes about airline food
0. What's the deal with that?
0. Am I right?
0. The loud people in the house next door.
0. Spamilton
0. The loud people in the house a few doors down
0. Taylor Swift
0. People who go on tirades about what they don't like on social media
0. Articles that get too meta
0. Senior capstone
0. Job applications
0. Salads
0. People who claim they like salad
0. Time travel movies (except for Back to the Future)
0. Too many reboots
0. And spinoffs
0. No one believes my conspiracy theory that Voldemort is real and he's hiding in the attic
0. Also, can Global Warming melt steel beams? The truth behind 9/11.
0. Seriously, though, Climate Change is real
0. Politics grind my gears
0. Taylor Swift grinds my gears
0. Oh wait, I said that one
0. Having to repeat "grinds my gears" for each bullet
0. Cancer really grinds my gears, and if you don't agree with me, you're a nazi commie terrorist
0. Really clingy people
0. Really dramatic people
0. 20 year olds who go on temper tantrums like they're 3/4 their age
0. Doritos - I don't like Doritos. I said it.
0. People who judge me for not liking Doritos
0. Doritos locos tacos
0. Taco Bell
0. Overly stuffed Doritos locos burritos at Taco Bell
0. The fact that "Burrito" actually translates to little @$$. So, just think about that next time you're eating one.
0. The word "literally" has like literally no meaning anymore,
0. and when I try to use it literally, people just think I'm some dumb millennial who's illiterate.
0. But how do I distinguish when I'm being metaphorical?
0. People who aren't me
0. People who are me
0. People who think the world revolves around them
0. People
0. But actually, what is the deal with airline food?
0. And what's the deal with Susquehanna's cafeteria food?
0. How does one mess up mashed potatoes?
0. I am not legally allowed to own a red panda as a pet
0. People blasting music at this hour and giggling. It's midnight thirty, and I am trying to get work done here
0. I actually called this work
0. If I actually called this art, that would really grind my gears
0. People who refer to their one liners on Twitter as art
0. People who write "butthole" several times in a row and call it art
0. People who put a basketball in a glass case and call it art
0. People who are arrogant enough to think they know better about what art is
0. Murder really grinds my gears. Don't do murder, kids.
0. All the extra voeiauxwels in French
0. People who pronounce their H's like Y's as in "Y(h)uge" or "Y(h)umungous."
0. But I can't fault them for that. They're only "Y(h)uman"
0. Shaving
0. Clothes
0. Commercials
0. Ads in articles I am writing
0. The 1950s
0. The fact that deep down, I actually have legitimate problems and insecurities, but I'm covering it up by making jokes about 500 really ridiculous things that grind my gears rather than addressing the underlying issues.
0. Overexamining my mental state
0. Overanalyzing dreams
0. Revealing really private stuff about myself online
0. Repeating myself
0. Repeating myself
0. Repeating myself
0. Having to explain that something grinds my gears
0. And having to explain myself
0. And having to explain myself again
0. Your face grinds my gears.
0. No, it doesn't. Come back. I'm sorry.
0. Seth MacFarlane
0. Emo music
0. Sappy love music
0. Breakup music
0. Autotuned music
0. Angry music
0. That I can't use the "F" word
0. The "F" word is "friends"
0. Phoebe Bouffett from Friends
0. Not being able to spell that person's name
0. The name Bernice
0. I have Jewish grandparents, and not once have they called me "bubbula."
0. They're from Boston, though, and they call water fountains "bubbula"
0. The phrase "It's a Jersey thing."
0. The Jersey Shore (TV show)
0. The people on it were from New York
0. You don't understand my annoyance with them. It's a Jersey thing
0. The fact that I keep typing about how the people next door are too loud, but they won't be quieter
0. Really passive aggressive The Odyssey articles
0. People who claim they know more than other people because they know how people think because they're a Psych major.
0. People who tell you to open a book for once.
0. People who tell you to open a book for once who hardly read themselves
0. Kids
0. Old people
0. Milliennials
0. Adults
0. children
0. Adults who act like children
0. Adults who judge me for liking cartoons
0. The Scarlet Letter
0. Google and Facebook will see that I wrote and shared this article and will market things specifically based on this.
0. Like, because I said the word gorilla a bunch of times above, I'm gonna get spam about saving Harambe.
0. There, are you happy? I said his name.
0. It's too late to keep writing. I'm giving up at 140. Have a good night. Stay safe. Make good choices. Or don't. I can't tell you how you should live your life. I'm just a somehow qualified journalist and artist who got this job because they'd practically hire anyone.
0. Like, I'm pretty sure they'd hire a dead gorilla to write for them.
0. Ugh, I just realized that I still have something due tomorrow (technically today), so I won't be going to bed as planned.
0. And I'll probably procrastinate and write more things that grind my gears
0. Never mind. I'm bored of writing things that grind my gears.
0. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
0. Oh, also, when you try to grab a piece of paper off the ground, but it's too thin to get your fingers under, so you just keep clawing at it and clawing at it until it gets wrinkled and it's supposed to be a professional document that can't get wrinkled.
0. When people are too hard on Nickelback
0. And when people are too hard on Nicolas Cage
0. There is no such thing as Nickelback Cage
0. People who don't read articles to the end and share them
0. That I could write that I don't like Jews and gay people in here
0. and I guarantee you someone would claim they loved this post by clicking the heart button and wouldn't even know that I said such bigoted things.
0. And it would still get published.
0. Telling my professor that I stayed up all night complaining about 500 things that grind my gears is not an acceptable excuse for missing class
0. I have a presentation tomorrow
0. Today* I have a presentation today*
0. Obama won't let me go play with my friends and says I have to do homework.
0. But Joe Biden gets to play with his friends
0. Joe Biden is secretly part ghost
0. And he's gonna catch all the ghosts and save America, cause he's Joey Phantom.
0. But if we let a ghost have that much power in the White House, then we need to repeal Obama immediately.
0. See, I can literally make stuff up, and no one will care as long as it fits their case.
0. They'll just be like, haha haha. You show'em about that gorilla and not even notice that I called Joe Biden an evil spirit superhero.
0. Bernie Sanders promised me a puppy for Christmas
0. Or maybe that was Santa Claus. It was probably Santa Claus. But either way, I didn't get my puppy.
0. The fact that every time I type "Santa Claus," Siri thinks I want to type an emoji of a mug of beer.
0. I could really go for a drink right now, but I can't because I have too much work.
0. Ok, I have to be more serious about this. It is my duty.
0. Hehe, duty.
0. Long lines
0. Traffic
0. I just fell asleep for a moment
0. It is 2016, and people still get judged for wearing socks and sandals
0. The fact that I can't think of 200 things that bother me bothers me
0. Overly formal emails
0. "Dear Mr. Krinick..." How dear am I to you?
0. If I turning the news, I could find something to get angry about and grind my gears
0. We don't take ciestas
0. Everything is automated
0. Everything is automated when you're part of a team
0. No, I didn't say anything about a team, Siri.
0. The cinnamon challenge
0. Supernatural
0. Overzealous Yugi-Oh players
0. The Zodiac Killer
0. I'm not allowed to bust down my door during election night shouting, "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition," because it scares people
0. The evil villains always has fire powers
0. And snakes
0. I don't like snakes
0. And why does the evil villain always have a really deep voice
0. Or a really scratchy voice
0. If you really think about, skirts and dresses are far better for male anatomy than pants are
0. I thought someone texted me and I got excited, but it was just a spam email from LinkedIn
0. Nothing I'm saying is original. That bothers me
0. Writers block
0. I'm still trying to think of stuff that grinds my gears
0. I need to be more positive
0. I'm reaching 200. I think that's enough.
0. I can't follow through with anything.
0. I'm going to end with 201 just to annoy people who wanted me to end with a clean number.
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