Summer is nearly over. And I want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long hibernation.
Here's a list of 50 things I'd rather do than walk back onto that campus of death.
1. Jump into an ice fishing hole in Alaska naked.
2. Eat soggy chewed up dog food.
3. Only speak in riddles and never have friends again.
4. Wear orange on St. Patrick's Day with my Irish family.
5. Drink clobbered milk.
6. Root for the Dallas Cowgirlsboys.
7. Eat a year old turkey sandwich that I never took out of my lunch box.
8. Never be able to tell the difference between a baby and bacon.
9. Be the size of an ant and try to avoid being stepped on for my entire (short) ant life.
10. Watch the ASPCA commercials and make myself cry.
11. Let my toenails grow out so bad that they will curl over.
12. Watch Dora for 24 hours straight.
13. Only smell nail polish remover for the rest of my life.
14. Never eat french fries or tator tots again.
15. Give a colonoscopy to a person every single day for the next year.
16. Stick my head out of the window on the highway and catch a lot of bugs in my mouth.
17. Always get the vomit flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.
18. Never have steak again.
19. Become a gluten free, paleo, and vegan human being.
20. Jump into a hungry lion's den.
21. Be in the same cave as a bear that is just waking up from hibernation.
22. Be a beekeeper without a suit therefore getting stung over and over again.
23. Call for a werewolf and not run away.
24. Play hide and seek with God. (I would lose. He knows all.)
25. Do the same math problem all day, every day, and get a different answer each time.
26. Swim with angry sharks with a bleeding arm and missing limb.
27. Have my car break down in the middle of nowhere with no cell reception. Then hear a chainsaw in the distance.
28. Be a fish and get captured by an aquarium and never be with my family again.
29. Eat a strangers hairy and sweaty deodorant.
30. Lick everything that I come into contact with.
31. Get stuck in an elevator with It's A Small World playing on repeat.
32. Be attacked and have my hair pulled out by raging monkeys at a carnival.
33. Eat all of my make-up in one sitting.
34. Cough up hairballs.
35. Sneeze every 30 seconds forever.
36. Roll around in a pool full of thumbtacks and nails.
37. Eat all of the dust that has been collected in my house.
38. Go back in time to seventh grade.
39. Be extremely hot all the time and never get cool again.
40. Be freezing all the time and never warm up ever again.
41. Live in a dark room with no windows and doors.
42. Walk over Legos for the length of a football field.
43. Cover myself in Cheeto dust and tell everyone I just got out of a spray tan.
44. Use mayonnaise for body lotion as a daily routine.
45. Use a cactus as a loofa in the shower.
46. Fart every time I say "hi" to someone.
47. Run out of toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom.
48. Have a toddler shave my legs.
49. Superglue live grasshoppers and crickets to my face.
50. Only drink toilet water for my hydration.
I really don't want to go back to school.
