It pains me greatly to think that a woman's worth is a small
price to pay for a brief moment of pleasure. "No one is getting hurt" or “It is just pretend". It is almost as if we have separated one's own body and
fantasy into two separate categories in which it is ok to degrade and devalue one for the sake of fantasy. Have we been
aiding young men to see women as an object, as a toy to be manipulated and used
for his own personal pleasure? Have we provided women with this idea in their mind that they are
to please a man and that abusive behavior is equal to love? I've been there and I have a few things to say...
1. Consent Does Not Mean it is Right
"She allowed him to do it therefore, it is not abuse." Webster Dictionary seems to offer a different definition of abuse. "A corrupt practice, improper or excessive use or treatment, language that condemns or vilifies unjustly, intemperately, and angrily abuse, a deceitful act."
For too long, people have advocated and even defended this destructive idea that just because a person allows something to happen to them, it must not be abuse. If I were to say to you that a boy has allowed himself to be punched in the face or a young girl has given the right for someone to call her degrading names, you would consider that a form of verbal and physical abuse, even though they gave their consent. However, when it comes to sex, you no longer would consider it abuse; so you cling to your fetishes and attempt to justify your unhealthy turn-ons through this idea of given consent. Let me remind you, just because something might be legal doesn't make it right.
As a sixteen-year-old in high school, I became involved in what you thought was "just a fantasy": a relationship tainted by sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse. Just because I allowed it to happen, it did not make it any less abusive. I was called shameful names, I was asked to do things I never wanted to do, and all for what? All for his pleasure, my shame and your enjoyment.
And yet, there are those who chose to sit in a theater for the sake of an "enhanced love life" or "a moment of pleasure" and selfishly fail to think about the implications of what they are feeding and the real life heartache of living out their desired dream.
2. The Blurred Line Between Love and Abuse.
There is a disturbing idea that love and violence can coincide together within a relationship. It is sickening to see the two play in tandem together, and yet they are considered romantic. Within the book, there are multiple references to Christian stalking Ana, controlling her, and manipulating her. There are many times where Ana expresses her fear of Christian and how he makes her feel devalued and scared. But this is romantic...must I go on in order that you might see this conflicting idea of love?
The movie itself has portrayed love and violence in a sexual light, making it inciting to its viewers, while forgetting to show the real implications of such a relationship. It glorifies bondage, submission, and pain all the while tearing down the worth of a women by dehumanizing her as a tool for pleasure...
I was told that if I refused, he would kill himself. I was told too many times to count, "I'm going to leave you". Obey and be "loved" or refuse and be stripped of your worth.
This is the reality of it.
It is not enticing, it is not sexy, it is not desirable. It is dirty; it is painful; it is manipulative. The implications of love tethered with abuse is the fear of being taken advantage of, the hurt of being demoted to a piece of property, and the after effects that you are left to deal with after he decides you're no longer worth it.
3. "Fantasy" vs. the Real World
Did you know, according to New York Post it was reported, that “Bondage and S&M toys have spiked 92 percent since Feb. 1 at Babeland in Soho…” (By Natasha Velez, Gabrielle Fonrouge and Natalie O'Neil, New York Post)
Tell me again how it has no effect on the “real world”? Tell me more about how it is just a movie? Because, as a teenager, I remember being introduced to porn, and I can tell you first hand how, what was created for someone's sick and personal pleasure, destroys the worth of a human being when in the hands of someone too selfish to value love.
It began with questioning how far I was willing to go and progressed into what I was willing to do. This idea of "fantasy" became reality the more I was exposed to this kind of twisted love. The names in which I had heard on TV or in novels such as this, became a description of what I was learning to accept. The sexual acts in which so many seem to desire were the very things that became expected of me.
4. A Woman's Worth
For a moment, set aside any selfish thought of feminist view of your body and think about these questions. What does this idea of sexual treatment of women teach young girls about their worth in society? How might these explicit ideas impact young men and influence the way they treat a woman? Our youth are being fed constantly by porn, novels, and movies that encourage such aggressive and degrading relationships; it is no wonder our society is the way it is. And yet, no one is worried about what they are watching, about how it's impacting that girl down the street who is being abused by her boyfriend. In fact, they speak openly about such ideas, create movies and write books that catch the eyes of curious teenagers.
Your so-called fantasy isn't a fantasy for everyone. For some, it is a nightmare they cannot wake up from, a reality in which they do not wish to live...
Now, ask yourself this, do you truly wish to have a relationship based upon dominance and twisted submission, or one based upon respect and love? What about what you would want for your daughter?
Because the truth is... you cannot have both.
