According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, twenty-four people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States. This number accumulates to more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year. Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Domestic abuse often goes unreported, unnoticed and untreated. With statistics of violence in relationships increasing, this makes me believe that people are not aware of how serious and common this problem is. You are not alone and there are people out there who love you and want to help.
A friend of mine came forward to me and wanted me to share her story for the benefit of everyone, and to hopefully raise awareness on domestic violence. It took her a lot of courage to share her story, and it’s so important.
Jessica’s* Story
I was just like everyone else in my town. I had a big group of friends, a loving family, I played sports and I got good grades. I come from a small town. High school in a small town community is where everyone knows everyone’s dirty little secrets. Everyone knows who’s friends with whom, who’s sleeping with whom and who’s cheating on whom.
I had my own secrets that I thought no one knew about; but I was wrong. The black and blues on my arms weren’t hidden as well as I thought they were, the bags under my eyes weren’t concealed enough and the pain in my heart was written all over my face.
In high school, I met a boy. He was mysterious and kept to himself. No one really knew anything about him but in class, he was smart and always knew the answers. I was always friendly towards everyone—so one day I worked up the courage to reach out to him and ask him to be my partner in class. We immediately clicked.
Months later he became my boyfriend and things were getting serious quickly. Everyone knew we were together and always pointed out how cute they thought we were. For months and months we went without any arguments besides what flavor ice cream to get or what movie to watch. He was affectionate, sweet and always so gentle and sincere with me. I often wondered how I got so lucky to have him as my boyfriend. But like the saying goes, if something seems too good to be true; it usually is.
Senior year was coming to an end and our first fight happened.
“Well, I think I’m going to accept the scholarship at the University of South Carolina and join a sorority,” I told him. “But I know we can make it work.”
His reaction was not the normal, calm and sensitive way he usually approached things. He swatted his glass of milk off the counter and started screaming at me, while stomping around the kitchen in anger. In complete disbelief, I softly touched his back to try and comfort him. I had never seen him act like this, it was like a switch flipped.
“No, you’re not!” he yelled. “We’re both going to Western New England University like we talked about. Only whores join sororities,” he said and pushed me away from him so hard that I fell to the ground.
Immediately he picked me up off the ground and hugged me. He told me he was sorry and promised it would never happen again
From that point on, our relationship was never the same. At first, he became passive aggressive, throwing snide remarks and belittling my every move. Then it escalated to screaming derogatory names and hurting me to the point where people noticing the bruises on my body became a common occurrence.
I thought I was in love and I thought he loved me too. I thought that he loved me so much that he couldn’t express it just in words anymore. I didn’t understand why he put his hands on me, but he said he was sorry and he always did his best to make it up to me. And he was sorry, I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to believe that it wasn’t going to happen anymore and he was going to change back into the guy I used to know—a girl can dream, right?
Anything and everything made him tick. He saw a boy at school hold the door open for me and I had to pay for it by a slap in the face for being a “flirt.” And at first, I thought that maybe he was right; maybe I was flirting and didn’t even realize it. Looking back, I now know that it was nothing more than a friendly gesture from a stranger, no one committed any crime.
Our conversations became short and aggressive. I walked on eggshells with every word I said, hoping not to upset him. Our sex life wasn’t the same. He made me feel used and feel worthless—it was no longer the passionate, loving and comforting intimacy that it used to be. I tried to change him back, I tried to comfort him and show him how much I cared, but nothing did the trick, he would ask me who I was “sleeping around with” because I was acting “guilty.”
My friends would ask why I was wearing long sleeved shirts in 80 degree weather and I made false excuses. I would disappear from school for days because I couldn’t bear to show my classmates my latest black eye. I dropped everyone and everything for him. My life was so unhealthy; I couldn’t eat, sleep or even act like I used to. I would look in the mirror every morning and couldn’t even recognize the person I’d become.
My family knew something was up when I started missing ‘family dinners,’ when my grades went from A’s to F’s and when I was always in my bed—even on the sunniest of days. All my friends vanished when I told them to "mind their own business" about my relationship, and my social life only went as a far as I went when I walked down the halls of my school—with simple nods and waves to friends that had become strangers.
There were whispers around the halls and in the classrooms. Teachers and people I barely knew would always give me sympathetic looks and tell me that they would “be there if, and when I needed them,” but I always told them I was fine. When I went to the grocery store, people looked at me like they felt sorry. People were extra nice and always staring. I felt like the whole town knew about my relationship and they were all talking about me; I felt like the town’s latest entertainment. Everyone had known what I was going through, but I pushed them so far away that no one knew how to help me before I could learn to help myself.
I looked at my friend’s Facebook pages to learn about what they were up to, since I pushed them all away. With envy in my heart, I yearned to have back the life I had two years ago. But I couldn’t let him go, I couldn’t lose this “man” I thought I loved. He was all I had, and we were all each other needed.
One day, the verbal abuse got worse and the physical abuse got to the point that I thought this “man” might kill me. I couldn’t stand being called a “worthless whore” anymore and I thought that if I got one more blow to the face, I wouldn’t be able to wake up from unconscious slumber he so kindly put me in.
But one day, a friend saved my life. Without her intrusion, I may not be here to tell this story. My boyfriend and I were fighting about our money situation, because at this point, I was basically supporting him emotionally and financially full time. Not only was I his human punching bag but I was also his human ATM.
She apparently was knocking at the door for five minutes when she heard screaming and a huge smash. Curious and worried, she opened the door and rushed in—only to find me, slammed up against the wall, gasping for air. There he was, right before her, with his hands wrapped tightly around my neck. Finally, she realized what was happening and threw him off me. Terrified, he stormed out of the house crying and said he was sorry.
I couldn’t breathe, the room was spinning and tears poured out of my eyes. It felt like a nightmare and I wished it was. I could feel blood gushing from the back of my head due to how hard he threw me against the wall. She held me while I cried on shoulder, saying nothing except for, “It’s going to be okay.”
But was it? Was this the last of it, would I finally leave this time?
I finally did.
I filed a restraining order. I should have filed for more, but I wanted to be done with it. I wanted my old life back and the terrifying memories behind me. He blew up my phone, stalked me at school and randomly showed up to my house. My friends and family were my biggest support, they restored the life in me. I look at my parents and how loving they are to each other and I could never imagine going back to something so toxic and dangerous—not only to my physical health but to my sanity.
I felt as worthless as he told me I was. I valued every word that left his lips and I believed him when he told me loved me. He didn’t and he was never going to.
After months of therapy and recovery, I became my normal self. Now, I go to a big university with lots of friends and I’m in a healthy relationship. I’m a better version of myself and I do my best to inspire those around me to love themselves before they love someone else.
For every girl and every guy out there, you matter and you are worth loving. Don’t let someone hurt you and bring you down; those people are toxic. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the world, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If you know a friend in an abusive relationship, don’t give up on them, they need you more than ever. As many times as they push you away, keep trying and keep pushing back—let them know you love them and are worried.
Domestic abuse is such a serious issue and it can happen to anyone- not just females. A lot of cases go unreported, we need to fight for ourselves and not allow others to treat us poorly—whether it be name-calling or inflicting harm. Any relationship that causes more pain than love is toxic.
*Name was changed due to privacy.
Please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) if you or someone you know is being abused. The hotline is available 24/7 and kept completely anonymous unless you need assistance immediately.
