Being called a Masshole used to annoy me when I was younger because I always thought it was a bad thing, but as I get older I realize that being a Masshole is one of the greatest things about me. I take pride in my state and in the greatest city, Boston. These are 50 reasons/signs that show why I am a Masshole and proud.
1. Sports Teams and the City of Champions
There is a reason why Boston is the greatest sports city on Earth. Within my lifetime I have seen nine championships won by the sports teams here and it is honestly a privilege to be a Boston/New England sports fan.
2. Belichick and Tom Brady
Brady and Belichick are Gods. Six Super Bowl appearances and four rings speak for themselves, and if you mention Deflate Gate to me I might hit you.
3. Big Papi
His name might be David Ortiz but he will forever be known as Big Papi and I just want to take this time to thank him for all that he has done for the Sox.
4. Roger Goodell = a joke of a man that needs to be fired
He’s a liar, he’s a clown, and he just really needs to be fired.
5. Sweet Caroline
Or as my mom likes to sing, “Sweet Carol-Ann.” Whenever I hear it, I will scream it at the top of my lungs and imagine I’m at Fenway watching the Sox.
6. Fenway
Being at Fenway for anything is amazing but there is something extremely special about being in those seats, where there is so much history, watching the Sox.
7. 2004 World Series
If you tell me that you don’t remember where you were, the bloody sock or just the sheer joy from that World Series, you are not a true Sox fan. (I was in third grade and watching it at my aunt’s house with my family.)
8. If you like the Yankees or any NY team in general ...
I won’t say we can’t be friends, but I will say that I will forever judge you on your poor choice of sports teams and hold that in my mind when I consider you as a person ... so we just won't be great friends.
9. Barstool Sports (Barstoolsports.com)
If you don’t know what this site is or what they're about it, here's a quick low-down. It's a sports blog that began in Boston and yes, they were the people who got arrested for protesting Roger Goodell last year. And yes, they used to do the Blackout Tours, but they step up when they need to help raise money for and support good causes such as "Plunge for Pete." They helped raise a ton of money for the One fund from the bombings.
10. Boston Accents
Some people may have it, some may not, but please stop asking us to “pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd.” First off, that's not even possible. Second, really? You don't have something a tad bit more original to ask me? Really?
11. Don’t try to mimic the accent
Please, just save yourself the embarrassment of that horrendous thing you’re about to call a Boston accent, and the embarrassment of being beat up by me (a five-foot-tall,19-year-old girl who will rip you to shreds).
12. You know how to pronounce most if not all the town names that out-of-staters just can’t wrap their heads around
Worcester, Leominster, Gloucester, Scituate, Billerica ... I could honestly name just half of the Massachusetts town names.
13. Wicked
It’s not just an adjective, it’s a way of life. Mainers may try to take it and says it’s theirs, but us Massholes know the truth. “Wicked” was created here.
14. Bubbler
This is the correct word for what you may call a “water fountain,” because that word is what we call the fountains outside with the fancy shit.
15. Packie
Not a liquor store, but a “packie.” It comes from “package store” where you can buy beer and other type of alcohol in a package to take out with you.
16. Go for a run does not always mean going for an actual run
Going for a run in Massachusetts is usually going out to buy more alcohol, although we might say it when we are going out for an actual run, too.
17. Dunks or Dunkin', but never Dunkin' Donuts
Waking up and walking one or two blocks to the closest Dunks was something I took for granted for so long and now, living in Maine and not having at least five Dunks in a five mile radius truly saddens me. Out-of-state Dunks are not the same, either
18. Iced Coffee all day, everyday, all year round
There is a reason why styrofoam cups were made and that is to hold my Dunks coffee in negative temps when I refuse to get hot coffee.
19. Marylou’s
If you feel like being fancy, are a girl, or just want a more sweet coffee then you would go to Marylou's. It isn't as good as Dunks, but I used to live a street away from one and their Hawaiian Chocolate Nut Iced Coffee is a must-try. These are usually in the south shore.
20. You know your ice cream and the difference between a frappe and milkshake
Crescent Ridge, Peaceful Meadows, and Daddy’s Dairy are all amazing ice cream places. You know that if you order a frappe you will be getting a delicious ice cream drink and if you order a milkshake you will be getting a sad powder-based gross thing.
21. Hoodsie cups
These half-vanilla, half-chocolate ice cream cups were and still are the shit. I vividly remember at least one or two kids in each of my elementary school classes would bring these in for everyone on their birthdays and it was the best thing ever.
22. Clam chowder
If you put tomatoes in your chowder I don’t think I can like you as a person. Not only does that ruin clam chowder, it’s truly just disgusting. Also, shoutout to my mom for making the best chowdah!
23. You’ve been on a field trip to one or more of these as a kid:
Plymouth Rock and Plantation, the Science and Children’s Museums in Boston, the USS Salem in Quincy, the Franklin Park Zoo, etc.
24. You hate to admit it but you most likely were on a duck tour when you were younger
I went for a field trip when I was in first grade and back then I thought it was awesome. Now I would not be caught dead on one.
25. The Cape, not Cape Cod
Fastest way to know if someone isn't from Mass is if they call the Cape Cape Cod.
26. You know how to use the T
The T is the subway system and it really is not as confusing as everyone makes it seem. But I will say the green line sucks so much and the red line is the best.
27. You've spent way too much money at Fanueil Hall and on Newbury Street
This is probably just for Masshole girls but it's a scary thought how much money has been spent in these two locations throughout the years.
28. You know where to get the best Italian pastries
Everyone will say Mike’s Pastry has the best cannolis and baked goods in the North End, but I am going to put my foot down and say Modern Pastry has the best, hands down.
29. You know what candle-pin bowling is and that it is better than regular bowling
When I do go bowling which is not often, I know that if they have it, I have to candle-pin bowl.
30. Holidays are done right
4th of July on the Esplanade, the tree lighting at Quincy Market, going to the Boston Pops during Christmas time, etc.
31. St Patty’s Day
There truly is nothing like being in Southie for the St. Patty’s Day parade. Just remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint, so try to not to black out before noon.
32. Driving
Before you say Massholes are bad drivers, let me say this: We know how to get from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible and you will get there alive.
33. Speeding
If you aren’t going at least 10 to 15 MPH over the speed limit, are you really even a Masshole?
34. 18 wheelers and other big trucks
These trucks are the worst and being stuck between a couple of these with no way out is probably one of my worst nightmares, but usually I’ll just whip and weave my way out and if I am feeling nice, I'll use a blinker.
35. Blinkers or blinkahs
We know how use them, we just prefer not to use them when they really aren’t that necessary. We know when they are.
36. Rotaries
It's not a “roundabout” or a “traffic circle.” It’s a rotary, and please know how to drive in one, because being stuck behind someone who doesn't is the absolute worst. If you want some practice just drive around Braintree. There are at least 10 in that town alone.
37. Yellow lights
If you slow down for a yellow light, I honestly don’t know what you are doing. Just gun it and get through.
38. Parking
We know how to park because of the nightmare that is parallel parking in Boston in the winter time, and we can make anything into a parking spot.
39. Out-of-state drivers
Connecticut, Maine and New York, I honestly just hate driving near you. I don’t know what they teach you in driver’s ed, but they definitely don’t teach you how to drive like a normal human being, or at least a normal human being in Mass.
40. Mass Pike
Tolls and Staties, nothing more to say.
41. Driving in Boston
This goes for driving in general but if you see an opening in Boston, you better take it because it will not last long and you may lose your only chance to get to take that turn or do whatever you want to do.
42. You know how to bang a U-ey like a champ
You took a wrong turn and are going the wrong way now. No problem. Just get in the left lane and turn around wicked quick and you'll be fine.
43. You knew who Whitey Bulger was before “Black Mass”
44. No weather will surprise you
Oh, it’s 20 degrees and snowing today and 60 and sunny tomorrow? That's typical in Mass.
45. You either love or hate winter but you are prepared for it
After the winter of 2014/2015 I know to always have a shovel and snow duster or broom in the car at all times because as stated above, you just never know when you’ll get stuck in a Nor’easter.
46. Any town name that I don't know is either in Western Mass or on the border
There’s a Peru, MA, a Wales, MA and a Florida, MA? Obviously they’re in Western MA.
47. When you meet other people from out of state you say you are from Boston when in reality you are most likely from a small suburban town
I am guilty of this. It’s just easier to say I’m from Boston than to say I am from Canton, because no one will know where it is.
48. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon's friendship is the ultimate friendship goal
"Good Will Hunting" and "The Town" are great movies and they showcase the greatest friendship in the world. Affleck + Damon = friendship goals for life.
49. Everywhere is rich with history since Mass pretty much created America
Boston Tea Party, Plymouth rock, the beginning of the tradition of Thanksgiving ... we made it all.
50. We are and will forever be Boston Strong
It’s our city and this is our state. And I am proud to call myself a Masshole.
