I have written, edited, deleted, and rewritten this article so many times over the last few months. It’s a topic that I have wanted to write about, but at the same point didn’t want people to read. Today is a special day though, so I feel compelled to share.

As I am writing this, it is Halloween night. This article won’t publish for a couple of weeks, but it is time to tell this story. I am in a great enough place right now that I feel comfortable telling it.

"I started to get better, but there was still this darkness threatening to crush me at any moment."

I have briefly mentioned my own depression and struggles before, and people who know me know most of the story. However, most don’t know all the details. This is my story:

In 2009, I graduated from high school. I had been accepted at Ball State University and I couldn’t wait to start fresh in a new place. While I did very well academically, I struggled tremendously from a social point of view in high school. I had friends, but I never felt like I truly fit in. Outside of school, I saw no one. I was never invited to hang out and I never invited anyone over because I simply didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to casually hang out with people when I couldn’t physically do many activities. Or so I thought at the time. My self-esteem was extremely low, and I simply thought no one liked me. Mixed with shyness and social awkwardness, I just didn’t have a social life. In recent years, I have found out that people mistook my shyness for being stuck up; they thought I didn’t like them.

I was eager to go to Ball State. I had this opportunity to completely start over and reinvent myself. I could be anyone I wanted! This turned out to be an even bigger problem, as I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be. The one thing I was confident in was my major.

When I was 11 years old, I decided I wanted to be a fashion designer. Growing up, my cousin was my best friend. We spent more time together than I did with any of my four siblings. We would spend hours upon hours playing Barbies, “house,” and more. Whatever we played though, fashion was a big factor. We would mix-and-match the clothes, and even make our own sometimes, when playing with Barbies. When we played “house” or “office,” I was almost always a fashion designer. We used to make fashion magazines, by hand, out of printer paper and colored pencils. This is what I wanted to do. I was confident in that. Until I wasn’t.

Freshman year at Ball State, my advisor picked my classes for me. She registered me for a very heavy load for my first semester. Especially since I didn’t know anything about college or how to truly study. The fashion class I was in was an upper 200-level course. I had never taken a fashion class and basically didn’t know anything. The class was “fashion industry,” and to this day it remains one of the toughest classes I’ve ever taken. I had no idea what was going on. The teacher was making references to things we had learned in previous classes, but I hadn’t taken them yet. While I do slightly blame my advisor for this, I also take full responsibility. I should have tried harder; I should have asked for help. In short, my grades were awful, and I started off my college career on academic probation.

I got back on track, and while my grades weren’t great, I was passing. I started taking the beginner fashion classes and loved them. I loved them so much! The three hour sewing labs, the late nights sketching… I loved it all. But it was hard for me physically to keep up. They purchased a hand-controlled sewing machine for me, so I could definitely sew. Not to brag, but I rocked that sewing machine. There were just a couple problems: I couldn’t trace patterns well, I couldn’t cut the fabric hardly at all, and I couldn’t manipulate and move the fabric to the sewing machine. The school and department worked with me and hired a student assistant. This helped so much, but it was still a struggle with making sure they were doing exactly what I wanted and showing up when I needed them. After all, they were students as well and had their own studies. I was pushing through though, because I loved it and it’s what I had wanted my whole life.

During my second year at Ball State, it really started to hit me: fashion design was too physically demanding. So, I changed to fashion merchandising. I figured, as long as I had the degree in fashion, it would lead to what I wanted. Then I found out I had to add either a marketing or entrepreneur minor, and I just really did not to do that. After calculating my credits, I realized that changing my major altogether wouldn’t add that much more time, so I began debating on what to change it too. I decided to go for astronomy, as this had also been a favorite subject of mine. Ball State, however, did not have astronomy as a major. In my fourth year, I decided on physics, thinking I could change my grades around, get my GPA up, and then go to graduate school for astronomy. After one semester of this, my GPA dropped too low, and I was disqualified from the university. I had failed out of college. I ended up reapplying the following fall, going for another year, and failing out again in 2015.

Most people know this portion of the story. However, most people don’t know why this happened, why I failed out, and why 2010-2013 were the best and worst years of my life. People know that I was deeply depressed during this time, but they don’t know the extent of it. Most of my family don’t even know the whole story.

While I was struggling with my grades and classes, I was also struggling with being away from home for the first time, figuring out how to be independent, and figuring out who I was. Most freshmen have these same struggles, I know this, but at the time I felt so alone. I was surrounded by new friends, having the time of my life, but something wasn’t right. It wasn’t until recently that I realized what was behind a large part of my depression. It was coming to terms that I was no longer going to do what I had dreamed of my whole life. I lost a huge part of me the day I decided I needed to “step” away from fashion design. I put on a brave front, but it was so devastating, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

"The difference is that I know I’ve been through the worst of it. And I made it through to the other side."

I was also still struggling with self-esteem. I didn’t like myself or how I looked. In high school, I started lying about eating. I would push around my food on my tray at lunch, claiming not to like the food or not being hungry due to a large breakfast. Then at home, I would say I had a large lunch and was full after just a little bit of my dinner. When I got to Ball State, I realized I didn’t need to lie anymore. No one was paying attention to what I ate or when I ate. From high school to halfway through my second year of college, I lost 50 pounds. For someone who can’t exercise, or move much, and who doesn’t eat healthy foods… that was a lot. When I was 15, I also started harming myself. When things would just get so overwhelming, this gave me a sense of control.

Sophomore year, I met the most incredible friends. I opened up to them as they had with me. When I reached an all-time low, they stepped in and forced me to seek help. Another friend suggested I try attending the church he went to. I did both, and they truly changed my life, but that’s a story for another time. I started to get better, but there was still this darkness threatening to crush me at any moment. Then, in June 2012, my best friend, Bethany, passed away. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and it pulled me back under.

In October of that year, my other best friend suggested getting a journal and writing down what I was feeling. That is what started my writing. I wrote each entry as a letter to Bethany. I wrote to her about the good and bad, and over time, the entries became fewer and fewer; happier and happier. It took four years to fill the whole journal.

I know I’m babbling and this article is kind of all over the place. But in the entry for October 31, 2012, I wrote that I had cut myself for the last time. It’s been five years since I last harmed myself. Five years and I am doing better than ever. I’m back in school, studying forensic psychology, and I finally feel like I’ve truly found the right path. Until a couple weeks ago, I had a 4.0 GPA. I lost it due to an A-, and when I got really upset about that, I started laughing. I have failed out of college twice in the past, and now I’m upset about an A-! I have come a very long way. I’m a completely different person than I was five years ago.

It’s been a long, painful journey. But through it all, I’ve found incredible, life-long friends, happiness, and myself. I’m confident in who I am, most of the time. I still struggle, and I still go through depression, but it’s easier now. The difference is that I know I’ve been through the worst of it. And I made it through to the other side. So, yes, it was a painful ride, but…

It was worth it.