You're at a family reunion, and your barbeque talk turns to the national political situation. You feel nervous, but things start to go off without a hitch. Everyone is being polite and is actually respecting each others' opinions. It's the kind of political agreement that would bring a tear to the eye of a bald eagle. America.

Then Uncle Dave walks up.

He's not even your uncle; your dad just loves him so much that you've called him "Uncle" since day one. Suddenly, the talk takes a wild turn. Bush did 9/11. Obama is actually working with the Illuminati. Any day now, Russia will enslave us all. Family members begin dropping from the conversation like flies, and suddenly you're left, PBR in hand, humoring him as your fellow brethren look on with looks of "I'm so sorry, but there's nothing we can do for you now." God forbid you ever see family on Memorial Day again.

We all know an Uncle Dave. But sometimes listening to his theories is endlessly entertaining. Here are 5 conspiracies that are so weirdly specific that we should be worried about Dave.

Avril Lavigne Is Dead

As anyone who grew up in the early 2000's, Avril Ramona Lavigne was a damn spankin' big deal in the neon-plastic-hair-clip-and-checkered-miniskirt crowds. (And me too.) We all CRAVED the woman's 2003 album Let Go, because it gave us such well-spelled classics as "Sk8r Boi" and "Complicated". However, what you may not have known is that after her stellar debut album, Avril began to be stressed about her sophomore follow-up, nervous that it may fall short. Coupled with the loss of a grandfather, she soon took her life in her home, surprising everyone. At least, that's what the lovingly detailed conspiracy theory site "Avril Esta Morta" (Portuguese for "Avril Is Dead") states.

However, this is where things get AMAZING. Following this terrible development, the record company, scrambling at the loss of their biggest star, hatches a plan. They find a girl who looks nearly identical to Avril (Let's call her April) to replace the teen pop sensation so that the record company can keep raking in the billions. April dons the guise of Ms. Lavigne, but she can't hold it up as well as the Original Av. She releases horrible pop songs like "Hello Kitty", much to the terror of her devoted fans, but not because her style and influences are changing with her age like all other humans - NO. It's because she's been replaced with a less-than-satisfactory actress.

I love this theory because I genuinely have no clue why a record company would go through that much trouble and money for one pop star. Maybe if it were Lady GaGa. I feel like that's something that'd be in her will. "Make Scarlett Johanssen act as me, it'll be the ultimate art piece."

Greenland Theory

Phew. Now we get into the good stuff. This is a hypothesis proposed by one David Chase Taylor, the lead blogger of the site TrutherNews.wordpress.com. He writes weekly on all the terrorist plots and assassinations planned for the week, but since he writes about the plots, they're canceled because he exposes them. What a guy.

So - to the theory. Apparently, the Roman Empire of Nicki Minaj and Monty Python fame didn't in fact collapse around 476CE, but actually faked its own death so they could quietly take control of every - yes, EVERY - country in the world under the guise of separate governments. (Yay! Lower travel expenses when the Roman apocalypse comes!) The title of the theory comes from the notion that Rome moved its capital from Babylon to the city of Thule, Greenland, so that they could remain hidden in the snowy wastes, unbeknownst to modern historians. Additionally, the theory states that the Romans spoke English, as evidenced by their writing system; "GOD" is actually an acronym for Greenland Of Denmark; the Holy Bible actually allegorically details the exploits of the Roman empire; AND, just for funsies, that the earth is actually shaped like a disc! So, the Roman empire is secretly controlling the entire world, hoping to do...something? Mr. Chase Taylor falls into the trap that a lot of conspiracy theories do - explaining exactly why the hell the Romans would put so much work into covering up when they were pretty brash about stuff in their heyday. If you get a chance to read his whole book on the matter, "Greenland Theory: Apocalypse Now," it may soon occupy a beautiful spot on your coffee table. On the other hand, this would explain why there are Italian restaurants even in the backwaters of Wisconsin.

Cabbage Patch Kids Are Actually Mutants

You may remember these cherubic little guys from your childhood, and you may remember that although they looked a little silly, they weren't anything too crazy when it came to toys. However, what you may not have remembered is that they were actually modeled after nuked, irradiated children! Oh, you don't remember that? Clearly, you weren't paying attention, because in the 80's and 90's, the Reagan administration, fearful of an imminent nuclear war, started paying toy company Coleco to create a doll. Not just a normal, cutesy doll, though; they wanted these dolls to look as ugly as an inbred chameleon with poor fashion sense. According to this urban legend, Reagan wanted to endear the American public to the look of a genetically mutated child, so that if a nuclear apocalypse ever happened, people would be completely tolerant of human features distorted by radiation. It was a quiet way to prepare America for generations of gritty survivors, who happened to look quite homely.

Obviously, these toys were constructed simply because they were cute and kids loved them. But wait - Bratz dolls had huge eyes and small limbs. They seemed kind of...extraterrestrial. Was Bush preparing us for the alien invasion? Is Obama really an alien?

Lizard People Control The World

According to this theory, oh yes, Obama is. And not just any - he belongs to a race of reptilian alien shape-shifters who have slowly been taking over the world's leaders through impersonation and possession. Obama is one of many world leaders who are actually 10-foot lizard people, bent on controlling every government with the intention to enslave humanity as a permanent work and food source. These aliens come from the constellation Draco, whose Latin title literally means "dragon", so we're already off on the correct, scaly foot. This theory, written into existence by former sports commentator David Icke, launched his career as a "professional conspiracy theorist"; or, to use the traditional pronunciation, "confused old man".

Now, I won't say too much about this one because pretty much everyone has heard it. It reaches really, really far past "This Is Not Plausible" and "Who Thought Of This", right into "Even Dave Might Not Believe This". However, this, in my opinion, is not the mostly weirdly specific conspiracy. It makes sense why the lizard people would want to take over the world, but not our final theory. Oh, no. Unbuckle your realism belts - it's about to get loony.

The Moon Is Actually A Hologram

Get it? "Loony"? Because, moon? (5pts for a solid pun) Anyways, the title says exactly what our final theory proposes - the moon is actually gone, and was replaced with a hologram. Our beloved lunar pal is actually a picture projected on the night sky by several giant projectors scattered across the earth, disguised as telescopes. This is evidenced by strange waves that seem to flash across its surface, its seeming growth in size when low on the horizon, and its wide range of colors, from red to blue. Although all this can be explained by light refraction physics, the plot thickens: the moon can't possibly be so bright at night when it's supposed to be just rock. The sun can shine on it all it wants, but that kind of light cannot be reflected by a hunk of space rock. No, no, no. And obviously, the supposed "phases" of the moon are also a hoax; because the hologram runs 24/7, they need a window each month to do maintenance on the projectors. Whenever the "new moon" rolls around, it's really when they power down the projectors to grease the joints and clean the lens.

"But Elan," you innocently ask, "why would they fake the moon when it has nothing to do with controlling the world?" Well, friendly reader, I have not a good goddamn clue! Some people claim it's so NASA's "moon missions" can really establish space weapons. Others state it's a symbolic show of power by the New World Order. Some still say it's a hoax by our favorite cold-blooded friends, The Reptilians©!

Well, they're all wrong. I think we all know what's really going on here. In 476, Rome didn't actually fall to an invading army - it was possessed. Aliens blast through the moon to land in Rome, shape-shifting to take the place of all its citizens. Soon, they disguised themselves as others, slowly moving to Greenland to establish their secret base. They built the technology to create a fake moon in the sky, fooling everyone but themselves. They dropped hints to society, using puppets like Ronald Reagan to prepare earth for its nuclear apocalypse. As present day approached, they realized they needed a leader. Someone who could infect the minds of the young with their ideas, but who could slip beneath the radar as a minor threat. They made their choice.

They replaced her with a reptilian in 2003.

She's the one who had to go and make things to complicated.

Bow before Avril.

And shoutout to the Reddit forum/r/conspiracy, whose users collated hundreds of documents for reference. Thanks, guys! I tip my hat to you.