When you think about it, Christmas music is kind of a strange concept. A genre of music so specific, it can only be played for one month out of the entire year (maybe two, if you have a really overeager radio station that starts playing Christmas music on November 1). And like any other genre of music, there are songs where the lyrics get a little...bizarre. I've decided to apply my love of criticizing things to Christmas music, because nothing says "spreading Christmas cheer" like tearing into Christmas carols. But let's face it, not every Christmas song have lyrics that could be considered poetic masterpieces
#1: "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas." (I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas)
Pretend the entirety of this song's lyrics are here in the article. I didn't put them here because I was too lazy to copy and paste and also I didn't want the lyrics of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" constituting 50% of the article. Every word of this song deserves a shout-out for being so frickin' weird. Why does this kid want a hippopotamus so bad? At no point does the singer give an actual, legitimate reason for wanting a killer animal. Not only that, this kid is a reckless idiot. According to the song, Mom already said a hippopotamus will probably devour this kid. I don't understand why this child insists on being a Christmastime Icarus, flying too close to the sun of their desired Christmas gift.
#2: "He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake." (Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
(Fun fact about me: Until, like, last year, I spelled "Claus" with an "e" at the end. Oops.) I understand what this song is trying to convey. I understand that the lyrics have only the most innocuous of meanings. Well, as innocuous as you can get when the main thrust of the song is "Be good, kids, because one old man knows about your every move." However, this particular line feels especially creepy. It's weird enough that Santa knows if I've been bad or good. Now he's watching me when I sleep. Yikes.
#3: "Where a kiss of love can kill you and there's death in every tear." (Do They Know It's Christmas? 2014 remake)
You know what sucked? The original "Do They Know It's Christmas?" from the 1980s. Do you know what sucked more? The 2014 remake of the song, patronizingly focused on the ebola crisis. I appreciate what Band Aid was trying to do here. Really. Humanitarian efforts are a good thing. But overwrought lyrics like this encourage eyerolling more than any feelings of compassion.
#4: "Said the night wind to the little lamb" and "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy." (Do You Hear What I Hear?)
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" essentially describes a game of Telephone that transcends species and social class. I'm baffled by the capabilities of nature here, with wind talking to sheep and sheep talking to humans. It sounds like something out a Disney movie.
#5: "The ox and lamb kept time." (The Little Drummer Boy)
"The Little Drummer Boy" tells the story of a young boy who busts out a sick beat for baby Jesus on his drums because he's too poor to afford anything else. The song reminds us every five seconds that this song has a lot to do with drums by having the lyrics "pa rum pum pum pum" repeat after every line. Once the little drummer boy stars his mad drum solo, the song tells us that "the ox and lamb kept time" and I struggle to imagine ow that worked. Did the ox start ticking like a metronome? Did the lamb start beat boxing? I have a lot of unanswered questions. I hope the little drummer boy started a band with these musically inclined animals.
I'm capping this list off at five, because I'd rather not get sucked into a void of criticizing Christmas music. I'm not that much of a Scrooge. Those are my picks for the weirdest Christmas lyrics, but I'm sure I only scratched the surface. What are some Christmas lyrics that strike you as weird rather than jolly?
