Whenever a man catcalls a woman, it's almost as if I can hear them yelling, "My ***** is microscopic and I never get laid so I use this method to cover up my low self-esteem!"

Right? Right.

You can yell about my body to me all you want, but at the end of the day, all I'm going to see is a small toddler making armpit fart noises and drooling onto their bib. To the man who growled at me like a rabid dog at nine a.m. on my way to class, I have one question for you - does that ever actually work on a woman? I'm serious. When you yell, "Hey gorgeous, you've got a great a**," has a woman ever leaped into your arms and thanked you? Has a woman ever turned around and gotten on her knees to pleasure you right then and there because she was so thrilled with your meaningful and totally non-objectifying compliment? Probably not, you a**hat.

We can roll our eyes or give the middle finger until the sun comes up, or we can ignore them and keep on walking. But I think it's time to get creative. Here are five ways to respond to cat callers.

1. The Sniff and Pick:

If you're confronted with an unwanted catcall, the sniff and pick is for you. As soon as your catcaller finishes their ill-thought phrase, lock eyes with them, lift both of your arms and inhale deeply in each armpit like you're in a bakery that just put out a tray of fresh baguettes. Smile, lick your lips and then prepare for Stage 2: The Pick. Reach down and pretend to pick a wedgie that's been festering for hours, without breaking eye contact. Give it 10 seconds and your catcaller will be running for the hills.

2. The Kitty Cat:

This requires preparation. Before you leave the house, remove the hair from your hairbrush, roll it into a fluffy ball and keep it in your pocket or purse for safe keeping. Later on, when you're confronted with a colorful catcall, stop immediately in your tracks and begin to heave and choke, and just when you've coughed enough, slyly pull out the ball of hair and cough it onto the ground in front of you. If you're at an advanced kitty cat level, try and heave the hairball far enough so it reaches the front of the catcaller's shoes. Once this is done, clear your throat, flash a smile, then carry on your merry way. It is a catcall after all, right?

3. Diaper diaries:

This one is simple, yet tasteful. While you are being catcalled, close your eyes and hurriedly put your hands behind you, cupping your butt. When the catcall is over, immediately ask, "Do you know where the nearest Babies"R"Us is? I'm afraid I've just soiled myself and unfortunately I'm wearing my last diaper." Not only will the person think you wear diapers, but you've done the unthinkable. You have revealed that girls do, in fact, poop. Imagine being the person who hit on a woman who POOPS?! What an outrage. Your catcaller is going to be doing a lot of introspection after this.

4. The Mayo Chug:

Find an empty jar of mayo, clean it out thoroughly and refill it with a white yogurt or ice cream of your choice. After a catcaller asks what you and your fine t*ts are doing that night, reach into your bag, pull out the mayo, unscrew the top and begin shoveling copious amounts of it into your mouth with your bare hands. Make sure the mayo label is visible at all times. Your catcaller will either faint or vomit, both of which are victories in my book.

5. The Exorcism of Emily Rose:

It can be frustrating when you're walking to class or heading to work and running low on energy and a sweet, thoughtful catcaller reminds you that "you'd look prettier if you smiled." At this exact moment, begin twisting your head back while making sounds that are reminiscent of a pterodactyl that's passing a kidney stone. While you're enduring this exorcism-like catcall response tuck your upper lip under so it disappears and the only thing visible is the top row of your pearly whites. Twist your head, look the caller in the face and bulge your eyes. After all, you do look prettier now that you're smiling.

I hope these five quick and easy tricks help you avoid street harassment. If these tips don't work, maybe try raising your kids to be respectful of other people and to treat women with respect. If all else fails, just kick your catcaller in the jugular. That should do the trick.