Being insecure is probably the number one reason that people hold themselves back, lash out in relationships, whether it be through jealousy or anger, sabotage themselves and opportunities that they receive, and don’t take risks to begin with to get opportunities. Everyone gets insecure, but some of us deal with more insecurity than others. I wanted to share some tips to combat moments of insecurity. It’s not always easy, but if you stay determined and actually practice these tips, you may start to feel better. I’m not saying this is exactly how you overcome insecurity and that it is “foolproof.” I’m just sharing what works for me in moments when I feel insecure.

1. For a moment give in to the feeling. It’s okay that you feel that way. You haven’t failed in some colossal way because you’re experiencing something all humans experience. Practice recognizing when you feel insecure. You can’t stop a pattern that you have no idea exists in the first place. Try to figure out what happened before you started feeling that way. Did someone else say something? Did you say something? Once you identify the situation that you were in that had you start feeling insecure, you’ll be able to identify more and more of those moments when something is done or said that creates that insecure feeling.

2. Reassure yourself the way you would reassure a friend. This one is very helpful because more likely than not you are being unkind to yourself in the moment. Instead of giving in to negative self-talk, step back and approach yourself the way you would approach a friend. I use this a lot. When I start turning myself into my own emotional punching bag, I think about what I would say to a friend that was feeling insecure. I wouldn’t tell them that they are stupid, ugly or unsuccessful. I would point out all the wonderful things about them. I get it that’s hard to do when you feel bad about yourself. I’m not great at pointing out my good qualities when I’m feeling insecure, especially if I think I’ve just said or done something “dumb,” but I can’t possibly be “dumb” ALL the time. I try to point out to myself moments where I said something insightful or clever. And those moments exist for most of us, so don’t try to convince me, or yourself, that you don’t have any.

3. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to understand you. And even if you do a great job of explaining yourself, there are people who have no intention of ever trying to be empathetic or understanding. They’re basically a lost cause and that should clear up those feelings of insecurity around them right away! Why would you want someone’s approval who, not only withholds it from others, but most likely, withholds it from themselves? A lot of people make attempts to understand, or at least, sympathize with others. Don’t feel insecure around people who would still feel the exact same way about you even if you were feeling secure. You might as well just feel secure.

4. Remind yourself that pity parties of 1 are not fun. Pity parties feel good for about five minutes, until my mom or a friend tells me that they will not be joining in on my pity party. Misery does love company, so make sure that you surround yourself with friends who won’t join in on the pity party we all like to throw for ourselves. These types of relationships are keepers because in moments when you don’t believe in yourself, your family and/or friends still do. They build you up and support you. I did not always have these kinds of friends and if you don’t have at least one friend who is a true friend, then ditch them, and find some new friends. You’ll be grateful that you did.

5. Make a goal for personal growth out of insecurity. I am at a college with a ridiculous amount of intelligent people. It is very easy to start feeling insecure about my grades, my academic goals and my own “smarts.” I’ve made it my goal to get certain grades this semester, but also to be more well rounded. I’ve taken some self defense classes, gone to more presentations and professional talks this semester. Instead of just obsessing about whether or not I’m smart enough to be at this school, I’ve just decided to take advantage of all the (free) academic and personal growth opportunities that are available. This is just my own personal example of how insecurity can lead to growth, rather than hold me back.

Insecurity holds so many of us back, but it doesn’t have to. We can turn it into a goal to be better at something. It could be used as a way to help you feel more confident in yourselves. If insecurity starts to creep in, remember that it’s just a feeling, not a fact.