Here we are, less than a month out from our next presidential election. The third and last debate took place last week, but many of us following politics are growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of focus on the issues. Rather, there seems to be more focus (and certainly more media attention) on name calling and provocative personal attacks.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is seeming to trickle-down. It seems as though American discourse as a whole has been negatively affected, down to commonplace interactions between friends and family members that most of us deal with every day. On its worst days, contemporary discussions look more like a seedy YouTube comments section rather than an intelligent conversation between peers.

How many people do you meet anymore who are truly open to having a civil discussion? Here are some disappointing things I’ve noticed about modern discourse, and ways that I think we can do better.

1. Opinions seem to matter more than facts.

We live in a world where we are constantly surrounded by information. Smartphones give us the world at our fingertips — we can look up any fact at all and learn it instantly. This seems to have resulted in a kind of sensory overload in which many people (myself included) don’t quite know how to parse the wealth of information that overwhelms us.

The result? People don’t care about facts anymore. There are too many contradicting reports, news articles, etc. all coming from sources with different biases. It often feels too overwhelming to try to learn more about issues when you have to sort through literally millions of sources to figure out what’s going on. It’s much less work to simply step away from the white noise and dig in your heels.

How can we do better?

Be patient with yourself and others. It’s okay not to know something — what’s not okay is to make up your mind about something and turn a blind eye to those who contradict you. Get educated about the things that matter to you, even if it takes time, and even if your research leads you down a path that proves you wrong. Even if that makes you uncomfortable.

2. People don’t listen to those they disagree with.

This one is something I think we’re all guilty of. If someone disagrees with us, often our first instinct isn’t to be understanding — it’s to be defensive, to feel personally offended, even to lash out. Facebook seems to be a highly toxic place nowadays for this reason. People you know and love may not agree with you politically, but that doesn’t mean you need to condescend to them, attack them, or deliberately provoke them. All that will do is make them dig their heels in harder.

How can we do better?

Talk less. Actively listen to what the other person is saying — often you’ll be surprised to find that those you appear to disagree with most actually have the same values as you.

Be compassionate. No one likes to be talked down to or attacked. If you want to discuss something, ask questions. Be engaged in a genuine way — the goal is to understand each other, not to hate each other.

Also, remember that if someone is being particularly inflammatory, not every comment warrants a response. Sometimes, you can just walk away peacefully.

3. Shouting louder seems to be more important than expressing a point intelligently.

This goes back to #1 and the wealth of knowledge drowning us in the Information Age. There are so many opinions and ideas bombarding us on a daily basis that it feels as though the only way to be heard is to be as salacious as possible. This is detrimental. Intelligent discourse requires thought, patience, and deliberateness, not snark, sarcasm, or curse words — even if it means less attention.

How can we do better?

Remember the old saying “you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” Be mature enough to realize that screaming at someone and shaming their opinion is the exact worst way to make them understand or respect you. Respect is always more important than attention.

4. The instant gratification of social media is discouraging research into real answers.

Another related topic, but an important one. Today, it’s very easy to log into Facebook or Twitter and see a wealth of memes and infographics proclaiming the latest “fact” about abortion or Hillary Clinton’s tax plans. Obviously, not all of these are true, but the laziest among us seem to want to take these as gospel. Having an intelligent discussion with someone is always harder when you’re working with different sets of “facts.”

How can we do better?

Be smart. For God’s sake, if you see a click-bait article posted from a site called “theconservativereporter.web”, or some other nonsense URL that isn’t a respectable news source, disregard it. These memes and articles often seek to spoon-feed their audience opinions they already want to hear. Don’t be spoon-fed; go out and find your own information like the capable adult you are.

5. Internet factions lead us to think that we think we have all the answers ourselves.

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you’re right simply because all your like-minded friends agree with you, especially online when it’s so easy to selectively choose your own environment. If you’re in the habit of following similar news sources, only reading articles that confirm your personal point of view, and blocking anyone who disagrees, you might want to reevaluate if your Internet habits are healthy for you or if they’re dumbing you down.

How can we do better?

Make it a priority to challenge yourself intellectually on a daily basis. This will make you smarter and more prepared to discuss important issues with your friends and family in a more educated way.

Next time you want to make a point, go read a newspaper article from the other side of the aisle. Chances are, you won’t agree with them — but why? Try to understand their perspective, and how it relates to yours.

Overall, I think we would all see a change for the better in our everyday conversations if we were to think a little more before speaking, try for some patience and compassion with our peers, and be open to learning new things. Give these tips a try next time a friend, coworker, or peer engages you in conversation. Hopefully, both of you can walk away feeling like you’ve had an intelligent and productive discussion, not just another useless argument.