As I am writing this, I just got back from seeing my high school alma mater's performance of The Little Mermaid. While it was a great performance, I noticed several things different in the musical from the movie that I couldn't help but write about.
Without seeing your face, people will often assume you’re the other gender and address you as such, often beginning an email using the wrong article.
“What time was your appointment?”
“2:00!”
“2:00…?”
“Yes, 2:00.”
“Are you sure?”
Being asked to repeat yourself, accompanied with a very confused face, is the norm.
It would just be so much easier if my name were a “typical” boy/girl name.
“Your parents must be very interesting. Is there a cool story behind it? Why did they name you that? Are you named after a famous ancestor? Is there any meaning to it?” No.
I’m not the only one! Let’s be friends!
Nice to meet you… I guess…
Oh. Okay. That’s nice.
Hahaha, no. It’s a sensitive topic.
“Oh, I thought you were a boy/girl.”
“Well. I’m not…”
What is someone supposed to say to that?
Their name is Mackenzie and I can’t find them on Facebook! Do I address the email Mr. or Ms.???
“Why did you name me this?! You don’t understand the struggle!”
Yes, you have an “atypical” name, but that’s rare and awesome and you’re fierce.
1) You love watching National Geographic specials
Especially this one, which you should all go watch RIGHT. NOW.
2) People constantly ask you "what is anthropology?"
3) Even more often than that, people ask you "what are you gonna do with that?"
4) You've definitely licked a rock at least once
Is it earthenware? Stoneware? Pearlware? Only one way to be sure, really.
5) If you concentrate in archaeology, this gif pisses you off to no end:
6) Staring at people is kind of your thing
What's their clothing made out of? Does their nose size suggest stronger neanderthal genes? What's that prayer they're saying?!
7) The Road to El Dorado speaks to you on an emotional level
And nobody believes you when you try to tell them it's based on a true story. And you pause the movie every five minutes to talk about how goddamn cool the Aztecs were.
8) You know what a bonobo is...
9) And you've had multiple class discussions on monkey sex. Literally.
Vaguely awkward class days, but weirdly crucial to chimp social structure. Who knew.
10) You've taken a field trip to the Smithsonian "Human Origins" exhibit
And you totally freaked out over the reconstructed Lucy.
11) Your family and friends call you Indiana Jones...
And you hate it every time they do.
12) Even though you secretly call yourself Indiana Jones
13) Your professors are so into their subject matter that their powerpoints always consist of 80+ slides
Half the time their presentations are on their own fieldwork. Very cool, but it's just not practical to try to fit 12+ years of hands-on study into a 50 minute class period.
14) You have the same kids in all of your classes
Yes, for all four years. Probably due to the fact that there's only like six anthro majors at your school.
15) Your family thinks you'll never get a "real" job...
16) ...But at the end of the day, digging up tiny shards of pottery and staring at monkeys is your passion. Oh well.
I get it, my shining pale face among this sea of caramel-toned goddesses is easy to pick out. Thanks for boosting my self esteem.
Yes, lights on or lights off, you still can't lose me.
White+orange= orange. I'm going to let you think that one through.
By the looks of my lobster-red tan lines after being in the sun for fifteen minutes, I'd say the latter.
Thanks for transferring all my insecurities to my children. I'm crossing my fingers and toes they won't inherit this trait... for their sake.
Congratulations!
Don't turn me against my own kind.
Must be nice to lay out without having to hide under a towel.
I'm just reapplying my SPF 5000 every twenty minutes because it's fun for me.
Yes, because I wanted my nose to disappear in this photo.
The blood rushes to your face too, ya know. My skin just does a worse job of hiding it...
Can't a girl wear white or pale pink or light yellow without being ridiculed?!
Don't tell me how to live my life.
No. Because everyone is the same color as I am in the winter.
But hey, enjoy your tan lines and perfect selfies while you can. Because I'll be laughing when you look like leather and my porcelain skin keeps on keeping on.
No 9-year-old should be that talented.
The worst is when you're assigned the same piece. Like why.
"It gets easier to perform the more you do it." LIES.
Chances are, those classes require the most practice/rehearsal/homework. And you don't even get credit for all of your hard work.
It's much harder to appreciate Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 5 in C Minor when all you can think of is all the homework sitting on your desk at home and the inevitable all-nighter in your near future.
"I may have rocked that melisma on the second page, but the Eb in the third bar was really flat."
Imagine America's Got Talent every semester...for a grade...yeah, Simon Cowell's nothing compared to juries.
I thought we were supposed to look nice?
Is it too hard to ask for some peace and quiet around here?!
'Popera' is not opera. Educate yourself, hon.
Actually, it's more like finals month. And not only do we have exams, but we also have countless performances to prepare for. And juries. And essays.
I haven't slept in 6 days, my recital is next week, and I haven't even started researching for the essay on Stravinsky that's due in 2 weeks, but I'm fine.
You're a musician for life. So go out there and kick booty.
1. The witty burger names.
2. Louise Belcher's maniacal mind.
3. Gene Belcher, who is all of us when it comes to food.
4. Tina Belcher, a.k.a. my spirit animal.
5. More Tina.
6. Seriously, just all of the Belcher kids.
7. The credits songs.
8. Aunt Gayle.
9. And of course, Bob Belcher.
10. And Linda Belcher, who is me right after Halloween.
11. So raise your glasses and go watch Bob's Burgers!
