Finals are the bane of any college students’ existence. We all hate it, but we know it’s the only path to the glorious and necessary month off from school. In the weeks leading up to our release, we all despise our blessed academic education and ourselves. Here are the five ways you know you’re in the pit that is finals week.
1. Your chronic illness has magically worsened.
You’ve been sick since you became within a 5-mile radius from school in August. It’s actually impressive how quickly the student body can contract and spread diseases in such a short period of time. It’s as if the bacteria on campus is stronger, the viruses more determined, the mumps: relentless.
During finals week, the lack of sleep, peak levels of stress and poor dietary habits will throttle your degenerate body into a self-destructive hole filled with cough drops, endless tissue boxes and let’s not forget, PACKS of EmergenC!
To add, the swollen lymph node protruding out of your neck health services said would go down within days has actually further inflated. Shocked? Don’t be. That lymph node will swell until it reaches the dimensions of a medium-sized peach.
Enjoy the mobility your neck achieves now. Soon you’ll have as much head mobility as one of the poor buggy pulling horses. You also might wake up with a miscellaneous disease such as a pesky UTI or even pneumonia! Happy studying!
2. Your mental sanity is non-existent.
You have an Accounting and a Philosophy final on the same day. But after hours of studying it seems that your Accounting notes are spitting more ideological notions than the Philosophy notes! Hmm. Your mental stability is in the gutters.
The abundance of all-nighters mixed with the dangerously high doses of Adderall will probably give you permanent brain damage. These delusions of grandeur are just the beginning symptoms. But hey! Don’t worry! It’s not like your GPA is determined by your finals grades! Oh but wait! For the most part, it is! Oooooops.
3. You gain or lose five pounds.
If you’re a stress eater, you can kiss the bikini body you dedicated the entirety of this semester to buh-bye! The second you receive your first study guide you resort to Good Uncle’s pub food portion of the menu and order a LARGE chicken tender and fries, as a study aide, of course.
If you’re feeling a bit health conscious you might throw in a pint of Halo ice cream. Why not! How much damage could the 200 calorie pint do following the 1000 calorie plus snack you just inhaled!
For those who instantly drop five pounds just at the thought of finals, we stress eaters hate you. Nevertheless, your shriveled malnourished bodies suffer just as much as ours. Prepare for designer bags to line your eyes, as well as cheekbones to protrude from your face to give you gaping contour shadows for the face.
No need for bronzer ladies! You must be careful walking to and from the library, any strenuous physical activity could result in your entire body frame shattering. But if your body did shatter, would that mean you would be exempt from finals? Let’s ponder that scenario.
4. Addicts hit a wall.
Students with soft addictions rely on their substance abuse to get them through this week. Nicotine addicts suck their JUUL pods dry until their stash disappears. This subsequently creates a hunt of never before desperation for more pods.
These students are already financially broke so they offer leftover dining hall money, Adderall, or their limbs to buy one more precious pod to get them through the next hour. Survival of the fittest is the name of the game.
5. The library becomes your home.
You have a part of the library you claim as "home" for finals. Whether it’s the corner of the silent room or smack in the middle of the basement, you will create a unique print of your behind on the chair of your choosing. Similar to a thumbprint, the shape you’re ass leaves on that chair will forever symbolize the tears, blood, and sweat you put into your finals.
Study hard.
