If you are anything like me, you often find yourself looking at your grandpa and thinking: Why isn't Bernie Sanders my grandpa? Well, enough with your kvetching! Because now, thanks to my brilliant mind, Bernie Sanders can be your grandpa. Now you may be wondering how such an incredible dream could actually become reality. That's where I come in. I'm here to tell you about five sure-fire ways to make Bernie Sanders become your grandfather!
1. Ask Him
Yes, the first option is obvious. Simply ask the man. From what I've seen of Bernie Sanders, he seems like a pretty nice guy. He is all about equality, so if there are already people in this world lucky enough to be his grandchildren, he morally cannot say no to you being one of his grandchildren as well. I actually took the liberty of asking Mr. Sanders for myself.
Mr. Sanders has yet to respond.
2. Ask Him Politely
You may have noticed that in my previous attempt to lure Bernie Sanders into my trap, I forgot one crucial detail. I wasn't polite! The only thing Bernie likes more than equality is a bit of politeness in the world. He has very notably avoided running a negative campaign against Hillary Clinton or any of the other presidential candidates. Even though he wants to stomp them like bugs with his shoe made of democratic socialism and steel, he's not going to be rude about it. After realizing my fatal mistake, I fired another tweet at the Sandman.
Alas, he yet again has not responded. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
3. Kidnap Him*
I know. This option sounds a bit extreme. If you are not prepared to go to prison in an attempt to make Bernie Sanders be your grandpa, then you don't deserve him. This choice is rather complicated in comparison to the first two, so I will explain the steps. First, prepare a homemade soup of your choice. Next, put that soup in a thermos. Then, attend a Bernie Sanders rally. It is crucial that you bring the aforementioned soup in the aforementioned thermos along with you to the aforementioned Bernie Sanders rally. After the rally has ended, you need to go backstage. There will be security that tries to stop you. This is when you reveal the soup. No questions will be asked. You will be promptly escorted to Mr. Sanders. When you get to Bernie, there is no time for a chat. Hand over the soup immediately. Shut the door. Lock any possible entrances. The security cannot get in. Bernie will be too preoccupied with the soup to notice you doing any of this. Once Bernie has consumed the soup, you will have to wait about 90 seconds for the Flunitrazepam (I failed to mention that this is a key ingredient in your soup) to kick in. Once he is out, you will utilize your knowledge of vent navigation to get to the rooftop where a helicopter will be waiting for you. Fly the helicopter to a hut in the Tanzanian jungle where you and Bernie can be together forever.
4. Kidnap One of His Grandchildren*
Logistically speaking, the plan to kidnap Bernie is not perfect. Huts are terribly difficult to come across in Tanzanian jungles. Also, kidnapping Bernie Sanders would really make it difficult for him to continue his presidential campaign. This is why the next logical choice would be to kidnap one of his grandchildren. Think about it. Can you name a single one of Bernie's grandchildren? I sure can't, and there are seven of those Spawn-of-Sanders running around! This plan cannot fail. Simply kidnap one of Bernie's grandchildren in a fashion similar to option 3 (see option 3). After that, disguise yourself as that grandchild and take his or her place. The disguise doesn't even have to be very convincing. Bernie is far too busy with his campaign to even notice the difference.
5. Run For President
Now I'm no expert on "politics" but I'm pretty sure there's still time to enter the race. Don't worry if you don't meet the necessary qualifications to run. Ted Cruz is doing just fine without those. All you have to do is establish your platform, fill out some paperwork, and start campaigning! If you're serious about this, let me know. I will be your campaign manager. You will have to run as a Republican for this plan to work. You'll be fine. There are so many candidates already, you're bound to do better than some of them. You will inevitably rise to the top and win the primaries. Now it's time for the debates. After you crush the debates, you do it. You offer Bernie the ultimatum: "Bernie, I will drop out of the race. The White House is yours. . . On one condition."
Congratulations. Bernie Sanders is now your grandpa.
