One of the perks of being home for the summer? Cable. One of the drawbacks? Being unable to escape commercials on cable television.
Now, one could argue: "Why not just not watch so much television if you're so unsettled by nearly every commercial you see?" This is a fair argument, and I don't have a rebuttal to it. This is just who I am as a person: someone who settles in for the newest "Law and Order: SVU" marathon on USA network, suddenly realizes that it's a nice day outside, and then simply decide to open the living room window.
But even I, a consumer of way too much television, should not have to be worried about what commercial is approaching next. I should not have to fear being blindsided by whatever the newest marketing tactic is and how it will unsettle me to my very core. I do not want to find myself unable to escape the ever-increasing number of eerie, borderline terrifying things companies will use to try to get me to buy their products.
Over the last couple weeks, I have seen my fair share of commercials that just feel kinda off to me. Maybe you will agree with me, or maybe you won't. If anything, at least you can read this list and wonder what has happened to me in my life to make me so paranoid about being killed by commercial spokespeople.
1. Arby's "We Have The Meats"
I don't really know where to begin with this. Maybe it's because of the deep, abrasive, disembodied voice shouting things about "mouthfeel" at me through my television screen. I don't like the commanding tone it takes, you know? The voice just feels too omnipresent, almost Big Brother-esque. But maybe it's the creepy way this voice boasts about the alleged "meats" Arby's has. Like, which "meats" are they? And like why are they "meats"? Why not simply meat? What makes their meat "meats?" By the end of that thirty second commercial, I don't wanna hear/see/think about meat ever again.
2. Haagen Dazs ice cream
Listen, I love ice cream as much as any other dairy-loving human being, if not more. But I'll tell you what, Haagen Dazs, I don't like it in that way. Like, I definitely love it. But I don't wanna enjoy it, like, intimately. And it really, really seems like you want me to want that. And I just can't want that. Not from an ice cream. But thanks for making me feel exceedingly uncomfortable while trying to watch television with my family and your commercials come up. Nothing brings families together more than realizing a company wants you all to erotically engage with their dairy product.
3. Trivago
This one is kinda in a similar vein as the Haagen Dazs. Like, it really, really feels like the dude trying to help me find hotel rooms for cheaper prices wants to join me in the those hotel rooms. Is he trying to seduce me through the television? Honestly, I kind of hope that that's what the goal is, but there's another part of me that feels like this man has insatiable bloodlust. I feel like I can't trust this guy to not just show up in the hotel room that I book through Trivago and try to murder me.
4. Cheetos
I'm pretty sure at one point Chester the Cheetah was just a cool, fun-loving, shades-wearing cat who liked chips covered in cheese powder. That makes what has happened to him in recent years so tough, watching him go from a chill cheetah to a manipulative creep. His deep voice unsettles me immensely, plus the effect that cheetos have on people in these commercials kind of make me think there's some kind of mind control involved. I wouldn't put it past this Chester to have something to do with that. I don't know, guys. For some reason I just feel like he's the type of dude to get close to me, kill me, and assume my identity without anyone ever knowing. He's too charismatic for his own good, or at least too eerily suave to sell me chips.
5. Snuggle Scent Boosters
This one isn't all that deep. I just can't have an anthropomorphic cartoon teddy bear cuddling with/being thrown onto peoples' laundry and then saying in that absolutely-incorrect-for-a-cute-little-teddy-bear voice "Let's snuggle!" Like, this bear isn't even asking me to snuggle. It doesn't feel like a cutesy little offer of cuddles, it feels like if I do not choose to "snuggle," something terrible will happen. The bear reminds me of that murderous Chucky doll, and that is simply not something I am okay with.
