The holidays are coming up, and for those of you with active, healthy social lives, that means parties! In order to prepare you for the upcoming festivities, I've put together a list of Five Types of People You Meet at Holiday Parties, as represented by Anglo-Saxon kings!
1. The Egbert of Wessex
Full of sass, this one will always arrive late and then spend the whole night hiding in a corner waiting for unsuspecting partygoers to accidentally walk by. Then they'll go into this long, drawn out narrative about how their independent kingdom is at risk of Mercian influence. So boring!
2. The Alfred the Great
Gregariously egotistical dudebro. He'll keep telling girls all night along how "great" he is in bed and that they should totally bang him. Chances are his mom kept complimenting him after seeing some dumb macaroni art he made in the second grade and his bloated self-importance stems from serious abandonment issues following his parents' divorce.
3. The Edward the Confessor
Everybody loves this guy, apparently. Super nice, super chill and always brings enough snacks for everyone. Don't be fooled, though. This dude's got some serious issues. I don't know what they are, but he's got them! Oh shit, dude brought Mario Kart. Fuck. Whatever. I still hate him.
4. The Æthelheard of Wessex
Kind of a weirdo, but somehow always manages to show up to these things with a girlfriend. Like, an absurdly beautiful girlfriend. And she's like, super cool and plays guitar or whatever. Kind of makes you wonder why he can't hold a relationship down, but I guess that's kind of the charm. Probably has an STI but can make a mean frittata.
5. The Edward the Elder
Dad's got money and Mom had no disciplinary limits. Studying to be a stock broker or financial consultant or something else WASP-y white boys go for. Probably a secret Trump supporter. Wears boat shoes and shorts in the winter, gets defensive when you talk to his girlfriend, smells like he bathes in cologne, had a "life changing experience" in Thailand or some shit.
