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5 Types Of People You Meet At Holiday Parties

As told by Anglo-Saxon kings.

JT Cunningham

Dec 12, 2016

Hamline University

5 Types Of People You Meet At Holiday Parties

BritainFirst

The holidays are coming up, and for those of you with active, healthy social lives, that means parties! In order to prepare you for the upcoming festivities, I've put together a list of Five Types of People You Meet at Holiday Parties, as represented by Anglo-Saxon kings!

1. The Egbert of Wessex

Full of sass, this one will always arrive late and then spend the whole night hiding in a corner waiting for unsuspecting partygoers to accidentally walk by. Then they'll go into this long, drawn out narrative about how their independent kingdom is at risk of Mercian influence. So boring!

2. The Alfred the Great

Gregariously egotistical dudebro. He'll keep telling girls all night along how "great" he is in bed and that they should totally bang him. Chances are his mom kept complimenting him after seeing some dumb macaroni art he made in the second grade and his bloated self-importance stems from serious abandonment issues following his parents' divorce.

3. The Edward the Confessor

Everybody loves this guy, apparently. Super nice, super chill and always brings enough snacks for everyone. Don't be fooled, though. This dude's got some serious issues. I don't know what they are, but he's got them! Oh shit, dude brought Mario Kart. Fuck. Whatever. I still hate him.

4. The Æthelheard of Wessex

Kind of a weirdo, but somehow always manages to show up to these things with a girlfriend. Like, an absurdly beautiful girlfriend. And she's like, super cool and plays guitar or whatever. Kind of makes you wonder why he can't hold a relationship down, but I guess that's kind of the charm. Probably has an STI but can make a mean frittata.

5. The Edward the Elder

Dad's got money and Mom had no disciplinary limits. Studying to be a stock broker or financial consultant or something else WASP-y white boys go for. Probably a secret Trump supporter. Wears boat shoes and shorts in the winter, gets defensive when you talk to his girlfriend, smells like he bathes in cologne, had a "life changing experience" in Thailand or some shit.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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5 Types Of People You Meet At Holiday Parties

As told by Anglo-Saxon kings.

1. The Egbert of Wessex

2. The Alfred the Great

3. The Edward the Confessor

4. The Æthelheard of Wessex

5. The Edward the Elder

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

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It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

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I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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