Feeling stressed out? Got the end-of-the-semester blues and crippling anxiety? Well, first you need to buck up. Second, don't sweat it! I've got five really nifty tips all lined up and ready to go for you, and since I don't have schoolwork right now, I'm more than happy to share them with y-
Oh God. Oh man. Is that paper due tomorrow? Wait, I can write that ton-
No, I can't do that s***. I have to meet up with my group for Comm 312 later at the library. OK, that's fine. We're pretty much done with that project anyway. All we have to do is a little bit of post-production on our video and we'll be good to g-
Damn, we still have to film that one scene with the dining hall people. OK no worries. I can just do that in the morning. I'm not doing anything tom-
Wait.
Was that computer science test tomorrow morning?
Have I studied for that?
Crap. Alright that's fine, that's cool. I'll just study for that when I get up. At six. Because I'm a freaking genius and I decided to take an 8 a.m. second semester of senior year. Oops. Hey, it's all good. I've got it all under control, don't you worry. Plus, I've still got those fresh-out-of-the oven tips for you! Here we go.
1. Don't worry about calendars.
Calendars? Pshhh, who needs 'em? You see, I just put all my syllabuses in one folder, and then I'll give 'em a good look over every week or so. Plus your professors aren't out to get you man, and they'll usually talk about a project being due the class before. Plenty of time!
2. People don't care if you break commitments.
So you're looking at your calendar, and you realize that boy howdy do you have a lot on your plate. But look right there! A ton of those things are non-academic commitments! Oh, you can cross those suckers off no problem! Sure, people might have counted on you being there, but they know that school can get tough, you know? They're students too. Don't worry about it.
3. Start working on your groveling skills.
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Teachers like it when people don't do assignments on time. I mean, why would they even offer extensions on papers if they didn't want hard-working students like yourself to turn them in late? This is what school's really about. Kneel in front of a mirror and practice kissing your professor's feet. Work on calling up tears on command. If you practice hard enough, you can consistently write C papers that get bumped up to a B-!
4. A's are for chumps.
Listen, unless you're some breed of super-nerd that still has all A's in college, just let it go. Last time I checked, you'll still get your fancy degree as long as you do that bare minimum, and don't worry, you probably still have a semester or two to turn it back around, but seeing as you're turning it around in the first place, just don't even bother going for A's anymore. You'll just be wasting your time on a whole laude of nothing at that point!
5. Bury it all deep, deep inside of you.
We all have problems buddy. I've got a paper to write tonight and here I am, slaving away at this list for you. What, you think I've got all the answers? You think I'm a regular Joe Cool or something? Fogettaboutit. I'm riding the struggle bus too, you know. I'm really not even qualified to make this list right now. But I mean, you don't care. You've got your fancy pictures, your bolded headings, and if you've made it this far, that means schoolwork isn't something you would concern yourself with anyway.
Only a couple more weeks, team!
