Have you ever seen The Roommate? Not to be confused with award-winning independent film Room, horror movieThe Roommate got a 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Terrifying. Also, it's about a college freshman who becomes obsessed with her roommate and ends up doing very scary, very bad things. No one wants that. Let me help you.
I know I'm kind of missing the cusp here on Roommate Choosing Season. More than likely though, at least two of you reading this will realize within the first week of the semester that your current roommate is a) not so tolerant of your quirks or b) way more into hard drugs than you are. This article is for you.
1. Background checks: do them
Go down your list of candidates and launch an investigation. Find out every place they've worked, every middle school boyfriend they've bumped braces with, every article they've read on Kim Kardashian's supposed butt implants. No stone can be left unturned; we're talking about who you'll be sleeping next to every night 'til mom brings the van back up on Hannukah Eve. Pinpoint the individual on your list completely free of run-ins with the DEA and/or time in juvi. Now cross them out. Hey, life is for living! Take a chance! But do NOT room with anyone written up for "sunflower misconduct." Just don't.
2. Choose based on shoe size
Your size or slightly bigger is the way to go. You're a growing boy!
3. Pick a hot one
Who knows, you might end up with a full-blown Monica-Rachel situation on your hands! Full disclosure I'm basing that reference on seven year-old me's interpretation of the hit show ”Friends.” Of course, this also means the breakup will arrive twice as fast and you'll soon find a twin-size sheet separating your beds. "Ex-girlfriend-current-roomie-woomie" is how you'll be introducing her now when Hot John from Philosophy comes over to study. It's kind of an endearing relationship.
4. Practice signing your names next to each other
Everyone knows a good roommate-ship can lead to an even better business startup. Be realistic ladies, there's just no room in this world for a "Fran & Sandy" franchise.
5. Go random
Do you hate sunshine? Do you often find yourself squashing butterflies with your big sweaty toesies? Realistically you'll probably get a nice artsy girl from Long Island. With any luck though you could end up with a train wreck from the city. She'll offer you a peach you could have sworn you threw out on your ride up here and when you sit down at your first composition class you'll find her at the front, teaching. It's a psych major's wet dream.
The truth is, even if you pick the perfect roommate, you're still going to wake up with your foot in a fishbowl every once in a while. That's not a euphemism for anything, but maybe it should be. If all else fails, just sleep in a lecture hall, that's what I do.
