I cry all the time. I don’t say this to garner sympathy—it’s just a part of who I am, like my kneecaps or my weirdly curved pinky toe. I am guaranteed to weep within ten minutes of watching "Dumbo." I honestly don’t even have to watch it to start hyperventilating. I can just think about it. Also: roadkill, most every dog, really good kisses, extremely clean sheets, bad weather forecasts. One time I started crying because some guy in an elevator smelled really good.

I am a sensitive flower.

It’s stupid.

But nothing makes me cry like Harry Styles. And understand this--it’s never sad tears. It’s like… like, you know at the end of "National Treasure," when they finally figure out the final clue and they enter the cavernous treasure room and slowly everyone starts to take in the enormity of the moment, I mean, this is the Knights Templar, what men have died to protect, what Benjamin Gates’s whole family devoted their entire lives to, and there are stairs into another treasure room, and scrolls from the library of Alexandria, and... oh God. I need a minute.

Anyway, that’s what looking at Harry Styles feels like. It’s like the end of "National Treasure." And that is the highest possible compliment I could give any human being.

Here are five times I was especially moved by the gracious and delicate beauty of Harry Styles.

1) Literally What the F*ck

This is stupid. I'm so pissed off. Look. Look at his nose. What is that. His hair looks like a bird's nest and I want to be a tiny bird that he regurgitates his food to. Oh God.

2) Sexy Beetlejuice

See this sh*t? Just wearing that like it's no big deal or anything. Literally, whatever. Put your cheekbones away, Harry. You're just bragging now. I get it. You're Adonis.

3) Hahahahaha

Hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahaha.
I will die for you.

4) This Thing

Realizing that Harry Styles is just young Mick Jagger was one of the most transformative experiences of my young life. It explained everything. It eased me onto a higher plane of consciousness, one where there is no war or disease or strife—simply Harry Styles and Mick Jagger, and I can rest easy knowing that beauty surrounds me.

5) The $295 String

This sent me into full crisis mode. The man is wearing a $295 string. It's essentially a curtain tie. He is so rich. He is so extravagant. He is so beautiful. He just dropped $295 on a string. I'm just... I'm so...

I need to go lie down.