Since my first time watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone as a wee kiddo, I have been a die-hard Potterhead. I carried the books with me everywhere, reading them again and again till they frayed and fell apart. I memorized every spell and could name all the characters. I remember going to the midnight release party of the Half Blood Prince (the first one I was allowed to go to) and staying up all night reading the book. And when I finished, I cried and then flipped back to page one and restarted. At one point, I even had an entire drawer in my dresser dedicated to Harry Potter memorabilia.
Recommended for you
Pictured: Me, age 8
As much as I love the series and the entire wizarding world, I will admit there are some problems with it. Like why do wizards employ kind of dangerous methods of transportation instead of adopting cars, and why is death still such a scary thing when immortality is kind of possible (living on in portraits, as ghosts, or with things like the philosopher’s stone)? If I went through every issue I took up with the series, we’d be here all week, so here are the top five I could not resist questioning.
1. When the Trio and Malfoy were sent into the Forbidden Forest for detention first year.
During the welcoming feast at Hogwarts, Dumbledore specifically reminds everyone that the forest is out of bounds, big no-no, and it’s an important point. Yet when Harry and his friends get in trouble, their punishment is to…break the rules and endanger their lives by sending them into a forest the students are not allowed in full of dangerous magical creatures.
Irony? What irony?
Plus Harry and Malfoy are sent off separately under guardianship of Hagrid’s easily frightened dog. Just one of the many times Hogwarts clearly did not give a hoot about protecting its students. In modern times, I’m sure many angry parents would be suing.
2. Voldemort repeatedly facing off with Harry using magic.
Actually, so many complaints here. For one of the most powerful evil wizards ever, Voldemort is sure easily foiled by a child over and over and over. Seriously, you’d think he would learn. Maybe cast Petrificus Totalus at him, or some curse that would severely incapacitate him. I mean, I’m totally glad he kept losing but it was just stupidity on his part. Not to mention the biggest question I had for him, which is why not use Muggle weapons?? If he’d picked up a gun, the Harry problem would have been solved without issue. Maybe he didn’t know what a gun was, or maybe Voldemort was too prideful to turn to petty Muggle tools. Anyway, his loss. Literally, he lost everything.
I mean I get it, these books are about magic and if Voldemort succeeded in his first attempt to murder Harry, there wouldn't have been a story to tell, but it's that same part of me that yells at someone in a scary movie for going into a dark basement alone that shakes her head at Voldemort for not thinking straight.
3. The entire existence of the Chamber of Secrets.
I get that a many buildings occasionally have hidden rooms or passageways built into them, but this is insane. All those years, there was a GIANT DEADLY SNAKE just hanging out in the pipes. Even when it literally came out and killed a student, people kind of just shrugged and pointed at one of the students as being at fault. The chamber and basilisk remained undiscovered. You’d think someone, in all those years, could have been clever enough to discovered it. Like maybe, I don’t know, DUMBLEDORE. He’s a freaking genius, right? Nope, the basilisk still got around under his nose. It took a self-absorbed idiotic twelve year old boy to locate the chamber and defeat a huge fangy basilisk. Makes you really question the way wizarding schools are run.
4. Gryffindor winning the house cup first year.
No, wait, this does make sense. Dumbledore and most of the Hogwarts staff are indisputably biased towards Gryffindor. This is not even going into the pretty much national distaste for Slytherins (house-ism much?). Slytherin was in place to win the house up, having actually worked hard and abided by the rules, until at the last minute, Dumbledore spoils their victory by rewarding Harry and his friends for being insubordinate rule-breaking idiots all fu**ing year, but especially the part where they entered the third floor corridor (off limits), faced off a three headed dog (reckless endangerment), played a giant life-threatening game of wizard chess (again, reckless endangerment!), and oh yeah, battled Voldemort in the basement. Not to mention the other shenanigans they got up to during the rest of the year, including but not limited to: harboring a dragon, entering the restricted section of the library without permission, flying on a broomstick unsupervised, breaking curfew, and sneaking off during a lockdown to fight a troll. It’s unbelievable how much slack these guys got. No wonder Slytherins have such a grudge against them.
5. The Triwizard Tournament.
A.k.a. the “Let’s Put A Bunch of Children In Life-Threatening Situations Just for Fun Because Tradition Tournament”. I cannot wrap my head around why this ever existed in the first place, and why a bunch of intelligent, professional adults including the MINISTER OF MAGIC decided to revive it even though kids had previously been killed while competing. And did they face zero opposition from concerned parents? Did they send permission slips or notices to students’ families? Oh wait, yeah, I vaguely remember Cedric’s dad showing up to watch the third task. And unfortunately, also witness his son’s corpse Apparating back with the Cup. But the point is Cedric kind of won, so there’s that?
“Eternal glory. That's what awaits the student who wins the Triwizard Tournament,” says Dumbledore to the student populous he is entrusted to protect. Yes, that and potential death and maiming, but let’s gloss over that part. You know, I’m pretty sure that children attend school to be educated, but I guess they also enjoy watching their peers battle viciously aggressive dragons from time to time. Anything for eternal glory, am I right?
