Since the beginning of the "Age of the Fraternities" on university campuses, there has been one man, one to rule them all - the "Frat Star." He is known by many aliases: "Frat God," "King of the Bros," "The Most Interesting Man in The World" and "Frat Daddy," and that's only naming a few. Allow me, a fellow "Frat Daddy," to introduce five key factors that you face if you are ever lucky enough to reach the threshold of a frat star!
1. Women (Sorority Girls and GDI's)
Women can hardly stand to be around a frat star. It's like we're Ryan Gosling, just more frat. When you are a frat star, you most likely won't have a girlfriend because it's like a bylaw. It's just the way of life for us, baby doll. Lastly, as a warning to all of you frat stars and potential ones, these women are looking for a successful, good-looking and confident lad like you, who have futures in the stock market or at least at TFM. Don't be a fool and wrap your tool! There's nothing worse than a frat star with a baby mama.
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2. Alcohol Tolerance (God Level)
Frat stars enter into a level only every fraternity guy can ever dream of. They wake up with a handle of vodka and chase down their freshly made omelet (made by the house maid, Consuela) with 1920's Scotch, blessed by the Pope himself just for frat stars. At parties, they have a keg for themselves and finish the night by taking on the beast, Milwaukee's Best Ice, and slamming a 24 pack of it. God speed, and God bless to all my fellow Frat Stars.
3. A Specific Wardrobe, Not to Be Messed With
I'm just going to give a list of what you need as a frat star and leave it at that. If you're one of those people that thinks we dress like old men, you're right we do, and we still pull more girls than you. Let that set in.
You need khakis, chubbies, polos, button-ups, quarter-zip pullovers, aviators and Ray-Bans with straps for each, a Columbia jacket and vest, Sperrys, a visor and your fraternity letter's cap, a sports coat and hula shirts. That's just for starters.
4. The Importance of Intramural Sports
This is where we can relive the glory days and show our true athletic abilities to the world. Let's be honest. As frat stars, we're supposed to be completely drunk showing up to these games. We make catches, shoot baskets that stun and leave the spectators in question on how we just did that.
"There's a magic that lays over the intramural field or court that makes non athlete gods among men," some drunken frat dude once said.
5. Haters (GDI's and such)
Haters - we all have them. For a frat star, though that list could be many, you're going to piss off the GDI's for not letting them into your house party. You're going to piss off girls who you've screwed around with just because you could. You're going to piss off your teachers because you never show up to class, but when you do, you're either drunk or asleep. You're going to piss off your neighbors because you have a party every night until four in the morning, and they have a right to quiet hours since they're a member of the HOA. You know what I have to say to all of them? GDI's go cry in the corner with the rest of your non-Greek friends because you have to earn the right to come party at my house. Just be a girl with nice tits. That works too. For you girls that wanted more, I'm a frat star, and it's just the way of life. Talk to me in a couple years if you get the pleasure of stepping onto my yacht. Teachers, calm down. I'll have all of homework for the semester on your desks by Friday, while saying under my breath, "Thank you, pledges!" Neighbors, I don't care if you're apart of the HOA or in the MMA. We're going to keep the lights going and the beer flowing. From frat stars around the world, have a good day!
In closing, I want to leave you with some of the most important words in the "Frat Bible" so that they too can become household names for you readers and hopeful frat stars: Busch Light, Natural Light, Yeti, Bud Light, Budweiser, Trojan condoms, Magnum condoms, Vinyard Vines, Southern Marsh, Captain Morgan, Smirnoff Vodka, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jagermeister and Sailor Jerry's. Amen.
