I have been a military spouse for almost 6 years. For a majority of that, I was active duty as well. Our deployment schedules were constant.
In 2012, I deployed.
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In 2013, we both deployed at the same time.
In 2014, he deployed one month after I gave birth, he got back summer of 2015.
In 2016, he deployed, again, this summer.
One of us was always deployed, and have been, since 2012.
This article is not to make fun of anyone, it is not to put anyone "on blast." This article is to help prevent you from sounding like a complete butthole when speaking to someone whose spouse is deployed, constantly underway, or in the military in general.
Here are 10 things you should NOT say to military spouses (from a military spouse):
1. You must miss him so much. Duh. This shouldn't be said by anyone, at all, no matter what moment of time it is. This is NEVER okay to say to a military spouse. To add onto that, if you are a military spouse yourself, and have only ever experienced your husband going on a week-long training, and being able to talk to you every day, do NOT, under any circumstances, tell the spouse going through a deployment or a long underway, that you understand what they're going through. You don't. To put it simply, if you think a week-long training with constant communication is the same as a 6-month deployment with little to no communication, there is something wrong with you, and you should seek some help.
2. It must be so hard raising kids on your own. Again, duh. What people fail to realize is that while this may have good intentions behind it, when you say this to a mom or dad who are raising children by themselves, all you're doing is reminding them that they are alone. No good can come from saying this. Avoid it at all costs. While we're on this topic, I feel it my duty to state something: While our spouses leaving is difficult when you have children, the hardest part is when they come back. Your children have grown so accustomed to it just being you, it can be hard for them to adjust to having their other parent back again. My daughter had a difficult time adjusting. Which leads me to the next one.
3. When is he coming back? Asking this question isn't harmful. It's probably the most common question I get asked. It becomes a problem, when we tell you "I can't tell you the exact date," and you keep asking. Civilians don't understand that we cannot tell you. I know the date my husband is "supposed" to return, assuming that they're not extended, or not brought back then sent back out. We cannot tell you, because it is illegal for us to tell you. If I tell you, and you run your mouth to someone else, and it somehow gets back to my husband's ship that I told you, HE could get into trouble for it. So, just know, that when we say "I can't tell you," it's because we CANNOT tell you. Let it go.
4. You must be so tired. This one is my favorite. When I left Active Duty, I said to myself "I can't wait to stay home, and go to school full time. It'll be easier." While I enjoy not being Active Duty anymore, I am more tired now than I was when I was serving. Why? Because I get no time for myself. When I worked, I got 8 hours away from my children. I had time to do things for myself. Now? That doesn't exist. I wake-up, take my kid to school, take my son to daycare, come home, do homework, go pick them up, come back, make dinner, get them ready for bed, pick-up the house, do homework, go to sleep around 3 usually, wake up at 7, and repeat. There is no more alone time. There is no more time for adult interaction. So, yes. I am tired. I know you can tell that by looking at my face, Becky. NO need to state the obvious.
5. When was the last time you talked to him/her? This question has good intentions. However, try to avoid asking this question. All this does is remind us that we haven't spoken to our spouses on the phone in weeks. My husband tries to contact me via Facebook messenger at least once a week. If he cannot do that, he tries to email. I haven't heard my husband's voice in weeks. Before that, it had been over a month. Again, while this has good intentions, try not to remind us that our spouses aren't home, and that we can't talk to them.
While all of this may seem like we're being uptight, that is not the case. Deployments and underways are painful, emotional, and a majority of us that survive, are never the same after it. We learn to become independent, so when our spouses return, the transition is difficult for all involved. However, if you avoid these 5 questions and statements, we would all appreciate it.
