Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My father’s aunt struggled with anxiety and depression for her entire life. My mother’s mother and father came from very difficult backgrounds and also experienced severe depression that was passed on to their children. I experienced this firsthand as a very young child, watching my mother become so bogged down with it that she could hardly get out of bed each day. Then, when I hit sixth grade and puberty really set in, I seemed to fall into the same pit that my family had fallen into.
The truth is that depression is a real illness. It is defined as an anxiety disorder which, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, is “the most common mental illness in the U.S.” It currently affects “40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18 percent of the population.” You may not even be aware of someone suffering from this illness, but we really must become sensitive to it. Depression is serious and can be debilitating.
I personally have struggled with depression on and off for many years. There have been times when the feelings of gloom and hopelessness become so overwhelming that I don’t know how I will make it through another day. The support of family and friends is what has gotten me through, but unfortunately, I have had some very unsupportive people come into my life. With such a sensitive topic, it is understandable that not everyone will know the right thing to say. Not everyone will understand what someone struggling with depression is going through. But there are some things that should be obvious in things that you should not say to someone who is suffering. These five things are things that were said to me earlier on when I was beginning to go through one of the deepest times of depression I had ever experienced. I want to make everyone aware that these are things that you should never, ever say to someone who is going through a hard time.
1. “You’re a freak.”
This is the first thing that my “friends” told me when I was going through a seriously rough patch in my life. I didn’t understand everything that was going on with me, but I wanted and needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately, this was not what I needed to hear. Most likely, someone who is struggling with depression or anxiety already feels as though he or she is a freak and is looking for someone to say that he or she is loved and supported no matter what.
2. “You belong in a mental institution.”
I was told this several times, and I really started to believe that I should be placed in one. Someone suffering from depression probably has considered this idea simply because he or she doesn’t know how to solve the problem. Trying to help the person discover the issue by going with him or her to see a doctor is probably the best answer. If the person decides that admitting himself or herself into the hospital is necessary, then you should support them.
3. “It’s all in your head.”
This is a partially true statement, at least for me. I over-thought and overanalyzed. However, depression also stems from genetics, brain chemistry, personality and life events. So, there are many factors to consider before concluding that the person is creating his or her problems.
4. “Everything is OK.”
While I was going through a very deep depression, these words sounded completely empty and hopeless. They offered no hope. Nothing did feel OK to me. I needed to hear words of encouragement and love, but instead, people kept telling me that things were “OK.” When you are hurting, it isn’t OK.
5. “Just get over it.”
This was by far the most hurtful thing said to me. It was like my problems didn’t matter. People just wanted me to get over myself and my pain and be “normal.” This is an extremely selfish thing to say to anyone who is hurting. It is important that a person have time to heal and the only way that a person can heal is if he or she receives support from others. This means that you listen instead of talk. Offer your shoulder to cry on. Give hugs — often.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to give your support and love to someone who is struggling with depression. More important is sharing the love and hope that only Jesus can give. Yet, everyone needs to know that they’re loved by others as well. There are no perfect words to say in tough times, but be aware of the words that come out of your mouth. They could be doing more harm than you know.
