Loving through addiction is not for the faint-hearted. This is not a love that comes easily and rewards you with affection and compassion. This is not a small bump in the road that you can work through. This is not a life anyone decides to choose one day when they're bored. This is praying every night that they make it another 24 hours. This is thinking of funerals more than a future. This is blame, self-pity, anger, frustration, confusion, and hurt all mixed together. This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through, and I guess that's the positive aspect.
1. You Do Not Actually Love The Addict.
Loving an addict is truly hating the addict and loving the person they used to be. They are no longer that person you knew before and unfortunately they probably won't be for a long time, if ever. Even if they do recover, drugs have long-term effects on the brain that can cause depression, anxiety, paranoia, and altered behavior. Not to mention the fact that they have now lived a different lifestyle. They have seen things they can't unsee and have done things they wish they could forget, because of that you will need to lower your expectations. They could very well beat addiction but that does not guarantee your loved one will come back the person they were before. You will need to learn to love them at every stage of addiction, even recovery.
2. They're Sick Not A Bad Person.
Addiction is a disease, and your loved one is very ill. They do not need to be ridiculed on how they let this happen or shamed with stupidity. They need a support system that bends but does not break. They need people who can remember the person before addiction. Believe me, this is the hardest part. They will lie, steal, manipulate, and test your patience in every way possible, but you have to see this is the addict not the person you love. Does that make it right? No. If they steal or lie they need to be held accountable no matter the cost. Even though you know they are under the hold of the drug you cannot let them make that as an excuse to manipulate you even more, because as long as you let them use their addiction as an excuse for their behavior they will not get better. You are in control of your part in their recovery. Don't be the enabler.
3. Helping vs. Enabling.
Helping doesn't always mean being the good guy. In fact, there are days you're going to have to call the police or send them to a rehabilitation center. These are the days that will test you the most. Nobody wants to send their loved one away especially when they're crying and begging you to give them one more chance. However, jail time and rehabilitation are two of the best ways to get through withdrawals without easy access to the drug while also having trained staff around to keep them safe. It is hard but you have to remember, as long as they are around the drug they cannot make the choice to get clean by themself. Helping means knowing they will be angry with you initially but doing what is best for the individual regardless. You can't always be the good guy with addicts and if you are, you're the enabler that is keeping them addicted.
4. Tough Love Does Not Work.
Tough love does nothing but make you a target for blame. Truth is, you can tell an addict you'll take everything they own if they don't get clean and they will still use the drug eventually. It is not because you and the things they possess aren't important to them but because addiction doesn't give them the choice to choose. They will go about using and you will be heartbroken. This will only lead to one outcome: You continue to give them chance after chance in hopes that one day they will choose you. It is not just you, not many people have the willpower to completely cut off someone who so clearly needs help. But once you give them an ultimatum between drugs and anything, to them you're saying you don't believe in them anymore. Once you stop believing in them, they have nothing left but to blame you for their choices from that point on. "You gave up on me so I gave up on myself"
5. You Cannot Fix Them.
You can't fix someone who doesn't realize that they're broken. Addiction makes them completely unaware of what they're doing and how harmful it is to everyone around them. You can go to all the clinics, rehab centers, talk to as many addiction counselors you know but if the addict doesn't want to get clean they will find any reason to keep using. Getting clean has to be their choice. It cannot be pushed upon the. It cannot be you giving them numerous ultimatums. You can want it for them all day and pray for them all night but until they want it for themselves they will continue to relapse with each attempt to get clean.
