- Hillary, ok, she doesn’t know how she would stop all the aliens from coming in. She has never held an office as high as the Emperor of Jupiter, like me. And I wasn't just Emperor, ok, I was the best Emperor, a terrific Emperor. I was voted best Emperor 10 years in a row, alright? That’s yuge. No one in the history of the Milky Way can say that. I am the most qualified, ok, the MOST qualified in galactic politics. Ok, you give her a map, she can’t even point to Jupiter on a map. The mother of ISIS doesn't even know that Jupiter is under Madagascar. It’s shameful.
- People ask me, Donald the Incredible, they ask me they ask, Where have all the unicorns gone? Donald, you sexy fuck, where are all the dragons? Well, I have disheartening news. Ok? It is so disheartening I almost don’t want to say it. It’s almost as though I am just letting shit pour out of my mouth to not only dance around the issue but to fill time, but I am not, it really is just so disheartening. China. China, ok? China lied about the climate change so that we would stop using our factories, so we would just walk out of them with the machines still on, and they rounded up all the dragons and the unicorns, Xi Jinping, I saw him I said, What is that shit, a tumor horse? And he said to me, Donny, baby, it’s a unicorn. I told them to return them, but he said he was too afraid to return them to the birthplace of ISIS.
- I can believe it’s not butter, alright? I’ve believed it was not butter since before the first churn was made. That’s the liberals for you. They rig the interwebs to say that I can’t believe it’s not butter, they even go so far as to put it on the side of the tubs, ok? But I saw right through their shit since day one. I turned to the 12-year-old I was fucking at the time and I said, This shit isn’t butter. Go ahead, ask her. But don’t ask her her age.
- I’m not just going to build a wall, ok? I am going to build a wall, it’s going to be the most capitalist wall you’ve ever seen, alright? There will be a Starbucks built into it every 300 feet, with a McDonald’s every mile. But I am going to take it a step further, alright? I am going to build a wall around every building in Mexico. They can’t jump over our wall if they have their own walls to jump over. We have to stop this problem at the source. I have a plan to strengthen all Mexican uterine walls, but that will be a few years in the making, but it’s going to be great. The greatest. So great.
- No ma’am, you’re too drunk, I don’t think coitus would be right. You're not coherent enough to give consent.
Welcome back
Sign in to comment to your favorite stories, participate in your community and interact with your friends
or
LOG IN WITH FACEBOOKNo account? Create one
Recommended for you
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Adult Swim
1. "I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else."
Tina reminds us that we are all merely human.
2. "If you believe you're beautiful, you will be."
But sometimes self-confidence is difficult to maintain. That's why it's important to have people are who remind you how wonderful you are.
3. Family is always there for a good bedroom dance party.
4. Or even a kitchen dance party. As long as you're together and having fun, it will all be alright.Â
5. Embrace love. Embrace having crushes.
6. And get creative with how you express your love.
7. It's OK to feel overwhelmed by life. It gets us all down sometimes
8. Linda knows how to live.
9. You don't have to know everything about something to enjoy it.
Especially wine
10. Rock your own look. Even if you seem ridiculous, you are being you.
11. Honesty is often the best policy, especially if you want flawless skin.
12. Don't let anyone keep you from celebrating to the fullest.
Eat all the cake.
13. No matter what, the Belchers always seem to be having a good time. So appreciate those around you and just keep groovin'.
2. Wearing real clothes to class
You didn't wear sweatpants? CONGRATS!
3. Steering clear of procrastination
It's really tricky to avoid procrastination when you have 20 assignments to do because all of your professors put their deadlines in the same week. But when you somehow accomplish this sorcery you feel like a boss ass bitch.
4. Doing your laundry
There's no better feeling than having clean clothes in your closet. Try to do your laundry before it all piles up and you're stuck struggling to find enough washers open to fit all of your clothes in.
5. Keeping your notes organized
Nothing makes me happier than being able to clearly follow my notes after class. Your notes may not look quite like this beauty, but it's worth a shot!
6. Cleaning your room
Your bed is made, your sheets are clean, you vacuumed your floor. What is this magical world we have entered and can I stay here forever. It's a lot easier to have everything else in your life together when you wake up to this.
7. Going to the gym
The gym is (sorta) free right now, so you really should take advantage of it while you can. Exercise is awesome for you both physically and mentally.
8. Actually doing well in school
Success! You've actually done something that will benefit you in the future. Go you! It takes a lot of dedication and work, but your GPA will thank you kindly!
Huffington Post
1. Taking care of yourself when you're sick
When I was younger, my mom took such good of me if I got sick. Now, if I puke, I have to clean it up. Gross. I also have to make my own chicken noodle soup. I wish my mom could take of me forever.
2. Making a to-do list
To-do lists are so mom-ish, but I thrive off of them. Plus, they make me feel accomplished as heck.
3. Planning your activities around the weather
It never fails to make me feel old when I say, "There's a chance of snow on Thursday. How about we do Friday instead?"
4. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointments
Most twenty-somethings fear talking on the phone, myself included. I draw the line at going to the doctor alone, though.
5. Getting your own toilet paper
Nothing makes me feel like I'm officially #adulting like picking up a giant pack of toilet paper at Target...or smuggling some rolls in my backpack.
6. Making food without needing to ask your mom questions
"Yeah, Mom? Can you use canola oil instead of vegetable oil? Okay, thanks."..."Hey Mom, me again. This recipe wants two cups of sugar, but I only have one and a half. Should I just try it anyways?"
7. Holding your tongue
In high school, I was a lot more willing to comment on racist Facebook statuses and sexist Tweets. Now, I'd rather just avoid the conflict. It isn't worth it.
8. Saving your paycheck (or your tax refund) to pay your bills
I was excited to get money back from my tax refund, but it all went right back into my bank account. When you're 20 years old, responsibilities come before shopping sprees, unfortunately.
9. Balancing your checkbook
Do people in their twenties write checks, or is it just me? There's something so satisfying about getting a sum in your checkbook that equals the sum on your bank account.
10. Going places alone
In high school, I didn't do anything alone. Now, I enjoy my solitude a little more. I walk to class alone and eat lunch by myself. It makes me appreciate my friends so much more!
11. Packing your own lunches
I miss the days where my mom made my lunches for me. Now I just make a sandwich and wish someone had cut the crust off.
12. Actually eating your vegetables...on purpose
I never thought my fridge would have carrots, broccoli and celery in it. I still don't really like raw vegetables, but I know they're good for me, so I force myself to eat them.
13. Taking a multivitamin
I've got to make sure I'm getting all my vitamins so I can stay healthy. That way I don't have to call the doctor!
14. Planning a life after graduation
Resumes, cover letters and job applications are the worst part of #adulting because they remind me that, someday, I will be a full-time adult. Scary.
Here are 10 Chandler moments that made us all see the "Chan Chan Man" within all of us.
I mean, besides this obvious one:
1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened
2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation
3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations
But, hey, at least he owns up to it!
4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him
5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life
6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape
He tried really hard.
7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences
8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason
9. He Always Knew How to Jam
10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun
Sure, he may be awkward and desperate for love, but if you're the Chandler of the group, your flaws just make you even more adorable!
Trending Topics
Trending Stories
Best of Politics
![blair waldorf]()
![legally blonde]()
![Bob's Burgers]()
![birthday party]()
