It was my roommate's 20th birthday, and as we perused the aisles of Walmart, picking up piñatas and glitter for her party, we came upon a huge tank filled with tiny neon fish. Without hesitation, I decided that a hot pink fish bowl filled with tiny neon pink fish would be an absolutely necessary decoration at her pink-themed party. Everything pretty much went downhill from that point on. After a party with lots of glass tapping, an almost deadly tank transfer, a few hours in a mason jar, and a very broken filter, we lost Mango, our beloved fish and the first pet we owned together. As we flushed her down the toilet, we guiltily realized that having a pet turned out to be a little more work than we bargained for, and a live animal is really not the most convenient party decoration. But most of all we learned: college students should not be pet owners (especially not us).

1. Fish cannot live in fish bowls.

Very misleading on the part of whomever invented fish bowls, but apparently they are pots of death where fish slowly suffocate in their own waste. Whoops!

2. If your fish stays motionless in the same spot for four days, it is probably about to die.

I was very alarmed to find out that my fish was not in fact lazy, but actually dying.

3. Fish are horrible party decorations

No, pouring vodka into your fish tank does not make your fish drunk. It makes it dead.

4. Do not buy a fish to replace a significant other.

If you are feeling lonely, do not drive to Walmart and buy a fish. They will fill no holes in your life, and the only company they provide at night is the relentless buzzing of the (probably broken) tank.

5. Watching a fish swim aimlessly in circles for days on end will spark an existential crisis.

What do they do all day? What do they think about? What do they feel? What do they live for? What do I live for?!