I've had some dark days and even darker thoughts. There were times in which I just wanted it all to end in the quickest, most painless way possible. Thankfully, something always stopped me from following through. Though there were a variety of different factors, the thought of me leaving my younger sister hurt me more than any negative feeling I've ever experienced. She has friends and family, of course, but having her suffer through that kind of grief is, to me, unimaginable. Because no one deserves to go through that.
After UMass Amherst went in lock-down mode recently and my mom sent me frantic messages asking if I was safe, it made me realize that I could disappear in a fraction of a second with or without my willingness. I can't stop death, but I don't want to suddenly leave without saying these things to the one person I care most about. So here's to the simultaneous joy and bane of my existence. (I'm half-joking about that last one.)
1. I'm always impressed by your intelligence.
You're definitely book-smart like our parents raised us to be, but you have a different kind of intellect that surpasses me. You're cunning. You're savvy. You're always a step ahead of someone without even realizing it. And I mean all of these things in the most positive way possible; you could always use these things in a more sinister way, but you choose not to and instead embrace them as assets. You're tactile with your words and actions, things that I still have yet to master, and if you continue to improve those skills, you're going to be one heck of a leader. (Just be a morally good one, OK?)
2. I'm jealous of your confidence.
I've told you this before and I'll tell you again: I hate how much self-esteem you have. Even if you claim that you really don't have any, everyone else sees otherwise. You always stand your ground and never give anyone the chance to try and brush you off. I'll admit that you've been overbearing and even condescending on a number of occasions, so I hope you've further learned how to rightfully exercise your stubbornness. But I know that you've struggled in the past and that you tend to hide it, so if you need someone to lend an ear, you know I'm a phone call or KaTalk message away.
3. I admire your beauty.
Okay but literally, you have so many people surrounding you who think and say this on a regular basis. (I'm pointedly looking at you, younger sister's boyfriend.) I probably sound like a broken record, but I hope you take the compliment anyways. You were pretty from the start and you've grown up into a beautiful young woman. I just know that you'll age into glamour for the rest of your life. (You just have all of the luck, don't you?)
4. I miss you more than you think.
First-year was so damn rough without you to talk to and joke around with. I know it seems like I was having the time of my life in college and I was. But there were times when I just wanted you to magically appear in my room so that we could have our late-night chats. I was lonely and I didn't know how to fully deal with it. It's already the spring semester of my sophomore year and I still miss you all the time.
5. And, obviously, I love you and I'm proud to be your older sister.
I don't say this enough and I regret that. I wasn't the greatest sibling in the world when we were younger. I wasn't even close to being decent. I kept pushing you away when I should've been more welcoming and more loving. There's no way for me to right all of my wrongs, but I want to make it up to you somehow. I just hope I'm not too late.
And you can bet that I'll be saying these things to you in person a lot more often. Prepare yourself for all the love.
