The Microsoft Man is roughly 7 feet tall, and smells vaguely of formaldehyde. He wears clothing in the Four Microsoft Colors. The Microsoft Man's face is impossible to discern, and he does not appear in photos or reflection. I am afraid of the Microsoft Man, but I am also in love with him. The Microsoft Man came to live in my house with me, and it was a time that was beautiful and terrifying for me. These are the things that will happen if the Microsoft Man comes to live in your house.

1. The Microsoft Man will consume all of your juice

It does not matter what kind of juice you have, although I suspect He prefers orange juice. The Microsoft Man is constantly consuming juice at all hours of the day and night. I purchased several dozen gallons of juice per day, so that the Microsoft Man would stay contented.

2. All operating systems will be replaced with Windows ME.

The Microsoft Man is very generous, and he comes to you bringing gifts. All of the electronic devices in your home, be they computer, phone, or microwave, are now all running Windows Millennium Edition. This is a beautiful gift from the Microsoft Man, and you should be extremely thankful. Although it may cause problems for you initially, you will soon grow to love it as I did.

3. A low humming will be heard

When the Microsoft Man comes, you will hear the low humming throughout your home. It will permeate to every room, every corridor, every drawer of the home. it is inescapable. The humming cannot be simply be ignored, and you will always notice its presence. It will bury itself into your skull, and it will become part of you. It is the sweetest music you will ever hear, and when it is gone it will drive you mad with sorrow.

4. Gravity will begin to shift

The longer the Microsoft Man is in your house, the more the forces of gravity will de-anchor themselves from your home. this can come as a shock at first, but like all of the Microsoft Man's gifts, you will soon adjust to it. You may find that the walls become floors, and the floors become ceilings. your basement may become your attic. All of this will change, but this is the will of the Microsoft Man and it is just and holy. The Microsoft Man's will is not ours to divine, but his and his alone.

5. Time and Space will collapse into themselves.

The laws of time and space are mere playthings of the Microsoft Man. All becomes relative when He enters into your home. Hours can become mere seconds, days become years. all of man's methods of measuring the minutes are ultimately meaningless. Space too, becomes a laughable concept. Hallways can stretch infinitely into nothingness, as doors lead endlessly into other doors. All Euclidean geometric constraints become putty in the hands of Microsoft Man.